Dreams, Hollywood, Broken Souls
by ISmile4BTR
Summary: Kendall Knight, after finding music, gives up on his earlier dreams, gives up on being a pro hockey player. He finds his perfect shelter in music and desires to go to magical LA and getting famous. After his dad's death he's stuck at home though. Using the time he nurtures his dreams, gets the money and soon he leaves to chase those dreams. Long summary in the 1st chapter!
1. Chapter 1

**- Dreams, Hollywood, Broken Souls –**

**Summary**: Kendall Knight, after finding music, gives up on his earlier dreams, gives up on being a pro hockey player. He finds his perfect shelter in music and desires to go to magical LA and getting famous. After his dad's death he's stuck at home though. Using the time he nurtures his dreams, gets the money and soon he leaves to chase those dreams. Leaves everything behind and never tells anyone that it wasn't just about him wanting to be famous but to run away from his home, to run away something horrible he did at the age of 17. Starting his life in the City of Angels, everything happens as he ever imagined it would. He meets the wonderful Elizabeth, the famous producer of music industry, and she assures him that she'd help Kendall make his dream come true. How Kendall's way to the wanted fame forms? What's his secret? How's he going to deal with the amazing, and incredibly wealthy Elizabeth who seems to have her own secrets, too? Find out in the story!

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**A/N:** I don't actually have anything to say, other than thanks to Irina who's my beta and always so lovely if it comes to me and my sometimes weird mind.. lol I love her, thank you so much for helping me! :)

and also one more thing, this is my favorite idea I have ever come up with and I really hope some of you would like it as much as I do... oh and something what you never can find out from the summary, it's going to contain some Jagan... I just say this because I don't want to give your hopes up if you wait something else from it.. it will be clear in a few chapters anyways... those who know me already know that I love to keep their secret as a secret in front of my readers too. This will be different in this story.. you will see, very soon.. Kendall comes to take over me so here it is, first chapter of Dreams, Hollywood, Broken Souls...

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**- Chapter 1 –**

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His plane lands at its terminal point, Los Angeles, the City of Angels, the center of business, international trade, entertainment, culture, media, fashion, science, education and what's most important in Kendall's eyes, the city of dreams. Dreams which come true and dreams which would never be realized. He hoped his dream would get into the first category.

Long way he just now took from Minnesota to the hot and crowded west, in the hope of getting famous one day but first of all standing on his own legs.

When he finally got the money to move out from home and start his own life, Kendall Knight decided to grab everything he had, buy an apartment in LA and then take a flight and leave everything behind. Everything really means everything for him. His family, his chance in the famous Minnesota Wilds, where imagined his future he since he was a high-school boy, just the way as his dad had been playing in his entire life.  
Hockey, as a possibility didn't come to Kendall instantly just because his dad was playing too. His parents never forced him into anything, and if they would have had to choose, they would have sent Kendall to med school or wanted him to be a lawyer, something more serious than being a sportsman.  
He had been playing for years but it always was just a hobby and nothing more. But Kendall, as he grew, decided to play much more and started to take it really serious after a time, because he needed something to distract him and nothing could be good enough but the rough hours on the ice. He's been running away from something terrible, he wanted to forget it and even if the brutality of the game reminded him all the time of what he did, it was a huge opportunity to let all his pain out.  
He loved to play; he had the talent, and also the enthusiasm of his dad, so it wasn't a big deal when he came up with the idea of someday growing into pro and following his dad's footsteps. He knew hockey would fill his life out, would make him forget, would make him suffer enough by its natural roughness and physical charging what needs to be a good player, because he believed he didn't deserve more than pain in exchange for what he did.  
He had a plan ready. He knew his parents would expect him to get a diploma, too, so he gave in and looked for a university where besides studying he could have gotten the time and opportunity to play along. He wanted to get into his favorite hockey team. That was all of his hope, all what he wanted, till one day when he was lonely, not allowed to play and didn't have a thing to take his mind off. Then he found a brand new thing to kill his time with and he recognized it was better than hockey, better than all the girls he was with, better than everything..  
Caused by an injury in last year of high-school, Kendall couldn't go out either to hang with his friends or with girlfriends, though he needed to go to school –his mother gave him a lift every morning and every day at lunch time she picked him up and got him back home, too -, he was forced to be home except for school hours.  
Other than the missed hours with his 'friends', he didn't mind the sharp pain in his knee. He knew it was nothing compared to what he was looking forward if he will be a pro player, and also he guessed it was what he deserved. Part of him was relaxed that every now and then he had something that reminded him that even if he loved to play, the adrenalin turned him up and for that reason he sometimes allowed himself a sudden smile caused of his occasional happiness by the joy of the game, he didn't deserve to be happy, ever.  
The long hours spent in loneliness and boredom because of both of his parents' busy schedule, and also all the painful memories had hit his mind more often than the times when he was distracted, and the fact that he just couldn't get out of the house when these attacks caused by his guilt, came to him, drove him insane. The mess in his head seemed to get Kendall to a point where he decided to start something with himself.  
It was actually on a sunny afternoon, though for Kendall it seemed to be the darkest one in the past three weeks, his mom was at work as usual, his little sister, Katie was still at school and his dad was out on training with his team, when he couldn't sit anymore on his ass and Kendall went through the garage and on its contest, after he hardly dragged himself down to the first floor with his injured knee, and there he found something what he'd never seen there before.  
He figured the old guitar in his hands could have been his dad's. He remembered before he went to sleep when he was a kid his parents telling him sometimes about the old times. His dad was playing in a band, just with his friends and the loved dream about being famous faded in the past as Denise and Louis met and soon they started their little family.  
Kendall, taking the following occasion when his father had time to spend some hours with his son, asked him to teach him how to play on guitar. He was at home only for a few days before going away, the hockey season was about to start just then, and Louis was glad that Kendall desired his company. They had fallen apart a little bit since his carrier started to take off.  
Soon the young Kendall spent every free time - besides hockey and girls, which activities earlier took all his time and he just couldn't get rid of them – with playing his instrument. His father taught him well enough and he even gave him his old friend's address who could give Kendall lessons when Louis was away. And Kendall fell in love with music.  
Yet in that year he graduated and decided on not going to university or trying to get into Minnesota Wilds' training program from where he could have gotten out as a pro player as he planned. Instead he chose a different way. He wanted to make his dad's dead dream true. During all the lessons Louis had given to him, Kendall noticed that he was kinda regretting that his life took a huge twist and his plans about going to Hollywood and getting all the fame a man just can imagine, flew away.  
Though, when Kendall announced he'd skip school and would go to Hollywood, his parents challenged him and fought a lot mainly with each other, not with Kendall. Nothing's happened the way the young blonde expected. Mostly Denise fought with Louis for making Kendall love music so much but Louis honestly didn't see anything wrong with that. He saw his young self in his son, he was proud of himself that Kendall was so determined and had plans, huge plans.  
It wasn't that his mom didn't trust her son but Kendall had days when he was out of the house, and was nowhere to be seen, who knows what he was doing. Denise worked a lot and he could get out of home easily if he desired to, but never did it without permission. He never told his mother where he was going to, but assured his mom that it was nothing to worry about, and Denise, not being able to do anything, always allowed him to go. Because other than that his grades were always good, so she never protested even if Kendall said he would go to a party, skip nights at home. But if he would have left for Hollywood without anyone keeping an eye on him, she'd have been more than worried. She wasn't willing to give in as easily as Kendall imagined his always loving and supporting mother would do.  
One day, Denise up with an arrangement. If Kendall told her where he was going out continuously, if he told her what he was doing, she said she would think about letting him go if the circumstances would be acceptable. Kendall didn't want to tell his mother what she desired to know, he only told her what she already knew, that he was out with friends, partying, but nothing more. But Denise knew there was more to it. She could see the change in Kendall. Something in the beginning of his junior year changed in her son and she wouldn't let him go till she didn't find out what caused that change, what Kendall was doing out secretly. His dreams about getting the money out from his parents' pocket and aiming the huge west broke, there.  
But Kendall wasn't willing to give it up just like that. He started to work, had two different jobs at a time, he also helped around the neighborhood for a good money, and he was doing all this besides school. His mom only wondered where he had gotten all that strength to do it, to fight for his dreams. She just didn't want to lose his son. _Probably his dad. _She always led back every issue of Kendall's to his dad. She still does.  
Once when Louis was at home again, two weeks after Kendall's discussion with his mom, of course his dad didn't know anything about that talk, and wondered at Kendall. Seeing his enthusiasm he promised Kendall that if he would be 21 he could go wherever he wanted, till then he would have loved him to be at home and help his mom with everything since he couldn't be there because of hockey.  
Kendall then agreed and finally his mom gave in, too. Then he started to count the days till his 21th birthday.

His 21th birthday was probably the worst day of his life. Kendall hoped after that day he could get out of that world and jump into a new one but everything fell apart sooner than he would have been able to acknowledge it.

Three more years have passed since then, he was stuck at home for all those years and now finally he is getting out from there. From the place which never lets him relax, from the memories which always will come after him till he somehow makes everything right.

_Doesn't matter now. _Kendall, again after noticing that he is thinking about the past again, shakes his head on the way out of the airport terminal. _You're here. Go and enjoy yourself. First find a girl and then the other things._ Kendall grabs his suitcases, his guitar (from which he could hardly break apart when he got on the flight) and heading to the taxi station he wonders how exactly he's imagined his future life in LA. All by himself. He had everything planned but now it is all such a blur.

Then he remembers he's not alone! _Logan. _His best friend's face comes into vision in front of his sparkling green eyes as he gets into a cab and gives the driver the address he's intent to get to. When once the car is in move, Kendall pulls out his phone and searches for his beloved-but-haven't-seen-in-a-while-used-to-be best friend's number.

Logan's left Minnesota in the first month into their junior year. Just when Kendall would have needed him the most. He almost told him what he did, he couldn't handle all things going round and round in his head but after Logan lost his parents in an accident, he was forced to move to his aunt in LA since he was underage and had nobody in Minnesota who could have parented him. They stayed in touch though, and Kendall knew that Logan used this opportunity to study at a famous university. That was Logan's way to get rid of the painful memories.

Kendall, though they haven't heard from each other in a long while, was almost sure that now Logan has an own apartment, even if not from his aunt but from the inheritance he got to pick up when he became 21. And how Kendall's read on Facebook, he's doing great at med-school next to his job in a local hospital. Kendall is certain that Logan is doing just fine, he has got everything he needs in his age, and he takes a little moment to admire his old best friend. Logan's always the kind of boy who often gets scared from new things but once he realizes he's safe and his mind takes over the natural nervousness, he always finds his place and nobody would ever snap him out. Then he's all but confident, mainly if the thing he's doing is something what perfectly fits to him. You'd be surprised to know how many times Logan's been the support for Kendall, for the Kendall who always seems unbreakable. They've grown their friendship to the point where they've leant things from each other and they would help the other one unconditionally.

Kendall misses his friend. Since Logan has left seven years ago, Kendall's gotten out of his earlier stable state but has never told that to Logan over internet or phone, knowing that his best friend would fly across the entire world just to be sure of Kendall's well being.

The line rings and Kendall waits patiently. They haven't talked in a while. Kendall in the past years, after his dad's death, has been even busier with his jobs than before. He has kind of hidden from the world to figure out the best kind of solution to his actual situation, and he's also been lost in all the things he's been doing to get a somewhat stable financial state of his own and for his mother and sister, before he left for LA. And now he is kinda scared that the-long-time-no-talk-thing didn't do any good to his friendship with Logan, and he would lose his best friend.

Logan doesn't answer. After all, it's Monday, morning, he's either asleep or at college. Kendall leaves a voice message saying that he's here in LA and would be delighted to meet him, then hangs up and for the rest of the way to his newly purchased apartment he leans back in his seat and stares out of the car window admiring beautiful LA passing by.

Long streets and huge houses come and go. Not a big of a deal when you're already used to it, but now, for the first time it keeps Kendall excited and amazed. And he's grateful for anyone who he has to be grateful, that this wonderful city can give him something to think of, to admire and he can push back all the bad things. There are no more all the places in his home town which remind him of his past, just the new buildings, new streets, new people around, full of opportunities which he only has to grab tight enough to be able run away with them.

He's hoping. After all the things he's gone through alone, all by himself, after all those hours and days spent thinking that he isn't worth a thing to live, he's somehow made it through. _Hope is always there._ His dad taught him. His hope is music. It always will be. Since he's been singing and playing everything seems brighter, he feels stronger, he has more hope.

This city and the fact that he's made it here after long years of hard work are the certain proofs that hope is always there.

Kendall follows his way on his phone's GPS and knows he soon would be there. He's beyond excited. Living alone, having all the responsibility, to keep up a home, to work and set up a life. It all waits for him now.

He has the money to get by for a few months if he couldn't find any job but he doubts that he would need to use it, he is very hopeful about finding some job soon.

When his dad passed away Denise thought they would get a good amount of inheritance and she was surprised when it happened that even if Louis made lot money out of hockey, what left for them wasn't too much. Denise could fix the house mortgages on their house so that it would be Katie's and Kendall's now for sure if anything were to happen to Denise as well. That was something she always wanted to do, give her children a thing to hold onto if they would happen to be left alone in the world. So after the house was fixed some money still remained but that wasn't much if Kendall wanted to go to LA too and wanted to leave some for his mom and sister as well.

So Kendall finally decided to stay home for more time only to help his mother.

Three years later he again decided to go. Kendall spent almost all his money on this new apartment in LA but he knows it's going to be worth it. Even if he needs to get into hard work again before starting to think about how he should begin his musical carrier, it doesn't matter because he's maybe taken two steps back but with moving to LA he's just now taking one step forward again. _Hope is always there. _He knows it's gonna be hard but he won't give up his dreams, he knows he has to work hard, he knows probably all the things limiting him in making his dreams true, are because of the horrible things he did earlier. Someone up there wants to make him work hard for every little step but Kendall is determined to prove that he can do it. Yes, he can, _hope is always there._

Kendall now wonders if his dad wanted to support him years ago and the only thing keeping him back in that will of his was Denise, then how he would have done it? He would have taken all that little money away from his mother and sister just to support him? If they didn't spend it on the house, that could have been enough for Kendall to start something in LA without needing to work. Would Louis have done that just to help his son reach something he always wanted, too, but never could? Nobody knows, nobody cares anymore. Kendall left his mom and sister in the knowledge of their financial certainty, and that is all that matters. It doesn't matter it's taken longer than he wanted to get here, that it's taken more efforts, because after all he is here, in LA, on the threshold of the front door of his dreams.

He doesn't mind anymore that he couldn't get here six years ago as he first wanted to after graduation. He's recognized meanwhile that his mom was right when she said he probably would not do it alone. He is brave though and had a mouth to everything and everyone, he wouldn't let anyone walk over him, he is alone now, he would have been alone back then too, and in that mental state of his, he can see it now, he couldn't have done it.

Those six years he has spent with work, after finishing high-school, had given him a lot of experience he can use here, he'd learnt even better how to handle the moments when memories still take over him. Plus he could spend three more years with his dad. He probably wouldn't have been at home when that accident happened which caused his death, would he? Again, nobody knows and nobody cares. Past.

And Kendall doesn't live in past. He lives in present and lives for future. When he was younger he made a vow in himself and for himself that he wouldn't get stuck in past, that has no sense at all. He knows, the only way for him to heal if he gets past the bad things, if he makes it up with hard work, if he never gets stuck in his own distress and focuses on other's good and the future.

His dad taught him so well. He remembers him saying countless times, "_You can learn from your past but you always must move on and focus on your present to assure yourself a future you would like to have_. _If you get stuck in the past you easily forget why you live, what leads you, what is the main thing you must fight for, no matter what."_

So past's forgotten, heart stricken, everything reminds him of his dad, still. He misses Louis too bad sometimes. He wonders how he could have come this far all alone, he wished he'd know if he's satisfied enough. Kinda sad but yet filled with excitement and enthusiasm he steps into his apartment, fully furnished and rent costs paid for the next 4 months.

"How do you like it?" the landlord asks him once they are inside.

A smile spreads across Kendall's face. Huge windows let the late morning sunshine come into the living room, just the way he likes it. Light. That's what he needs, to forget all the dark things he's been living in Minnesota, the things his mother, dad or anybody else must not know, ever. He'd seen pictures earlier about the apartment, back then it was empty but yet he loved it already when he chose this flat to be his own. And now, when all the furniture he purchased and ordered to be moved in for the day when he'd get there is here, too, it's even more beautiful.

He loves it. The perfection of this apartment gives him hope again. He worked for it, hard. He might be able to do it along. If he has gotten here alone, he can do it just the same way he's been doing it in the past years. With hope.

Now, his perfect family is not here anymore. He loves his family, Kendall's everything is his family but sometimes he can't help it but he feels like he shouldn't be a part of it. He's not worth it all to be a part of something as good as his family is, or was before his dad's death.

He is never or barely going to feel himself not fitting into place, he can find his own place, without anyone forcing him into anything, and then he shouldn't escape, shouldn't do stupid things with himself.

"Great, I really love it." Kendall says and thanks Adam, the landlord. He's somewhat older than his dad would be now, and seems like a kind man. Adam soon leaves Kendall alone after handing him all the keys and once again reminding him of the rules he needs to keep in mind if he wants to make it for a long time. So Kendall, now alone again, walks through the flat, discovers the kitchen, bedrooms – there are two of them -, bathroom, just a usual apartment in a really nice part of Los Angeles. All his money is in this apartment, but it's worth it. Everything is just like he loves it and he knows he needs to get a good job to keep it.

There starts the problem. Should he start and look for a job or should he go out and discover the magical LA, the possibilities, hoping he'll be lucky enough that some producer will find him before he runs out of money?

Kendall decides to take a break for a week long or so, during that time he'll look around what he could start with himself and then will start to look for a real job and will try to get discovered in the music world, too.

Won't be an easy round, he knows.

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Kendall sits in the kitchen just wondering how along, and mumbling his first lunch in his new apartment, in his new life. It's a cold sandwich he got back at a buffet at the airport before grabbing the cab.

He's already planning to get himself ready for a little tour on the nearby streets and find some store to get some food from, before he'd forget to buy any groceries and would leave himself with an empty fridge for the night and the following morning he is looking forward to, when his phone buzzes in his pocket.

"Yes, mom, I'm here, safe, the apartment is cool." He informs his mom about all the things he's seen, and assures her that he'll be available and that he'll call, and then they say their goodbye-s and he hangs up. His mom barely mentions his dad, it probably hurts her too much to talk about it, so Kendall never says either how much he misses his loved father, even if he wishes he could talk about it someone, he keeps it to himself. He's been keeping himself in check over three years. He knows it's not right, anytime soon all his feelings will explode and he'll break down but he still keeps all of this to himself, he must. Louis wouldn't like to see his son crying for him even after those long years.

Soon he takes a shower, unpacks most of his things, the things which were already in the flat, the moving company got them there in time before he arrived, (the landlord was really nice and let the movers in and kept an eye on them till they settled all his belongings down) and those things he brought with himself by his flight. His guitar which he got from his dad on his 19th birthday gets into his hands and he can't stand the need of playing something quick, even if he knows that whenever he decides to play something quick, he's unable to put his loved instrument down for hours.

So he seats himself down on to the floor, against his bed and plays a sad song. He lets himself fly with the emotions flooding his heart, so a few tears appear in the corner of his eyes, but he, noticing it, quickly changes the mood and plays something happier.

That's something he can do easily, changing his mood, covering his feelings from the world, has never been a problem for Kendall. That might be a useful thing if he gets into the music industry.

Late afternoon, once he is done with the most of unpacking, Kendall decides to go out. Logan has not called him back yet, he hoped maybe they could go together, he knows already LA somewhat, but after all it really doesn't matter. He can do it alone, too.

He needs to walk a few streets to get to a bus stop; he takes a mental note that he should get a car somehow. Back home he had a good one but he decided to sell it, he needs money now more than a car, besides after what happened with his dad he refuses to drive.

Kendall finds some bar, sits in and listens to the local people chatting, tries to get information where he should start if he wants to be a singer.

His luck that the girl at the bar is really kind and tells him a few places he should try. She informs Kendall that they do have open mic nights when anyone can sing on the stage for free, other times, mostly on Fridays and Saturdays, when there are more people at the place, the self-styled growing stars have to pay some amount of money to get a chance on the stage. Kendall thanks her, hopes he can bear the information in mind, and then starts to chat with another girl who keeps winking toward his direction for at least a half hour now.

She's really nice and Kendall would love to spend some more time with her but he's tired and first in his lifetime he denies a girl's invitation to her flat, instead he makes his way back to his new home.

Later that night, he is already in bed and about to doze off when his phone rings on the night stand. He picks it up and checking the caller ID he sees it is Logan.

"Hi" Kendall says after pressing the green button on the screen.

"Hey, man. Do you still remember your friend?" Logan asks rather joking than serious.

"Surprising, huh? Would never forget you, Loges. How are you doing lately?"

"Oh, great. Just now got home from work. Today I didn't have any classes, my phone was charging since the morning so I didn't know till now that you wanted to talk. Are you okay?"

"Slow down, buddy, I've got a lot to tell. Haven't you listened to my message?" Kendall says. They haven't really talked in a while and Logan knows nothing about Kendall's hard dealing with his dad's death.

"Oh, no. I saw your missed calls and called you back immediately. But okay. On phone or Skype?" Logan asks.

Kendall chuckles, "if you would have listened to my message you'd know that you can come over, though I'm in bed already."

"What?" Kendall's brunette friend sounds confused.

"I'm in LA, Loges, you wanna come and see me?"

"No way, you did it!" Logan sounds excited this time, a smile spreads across Kendall's face. His best friend's enthusiasm means that he hasn't forgotten about him or isn't mad at him.

"Wow, sure. Give me your address, though I don't know how long I can stay. Tomorrow I've got to go to classes."

"It's okay. Then don't come. I'm tired anyway. Had a long flight. Talk soon, okay?"

"Okay. Are you all right? Haven't talked in ages, where were you? Can't you tell at least a few things over phone?"

"I'd rather say them in person. Good night then and I'll call you again." Kendall sighed.

Logan answered quickly, "okay, talk soon. Glad you're here, can't wait to see you, Kendall, missed you so much."

"Good. Okay, bye Loges."

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Happens that the following days Logan can't get the time to go over Kendall to the other half of the city, so they talk every night on the phone, Kendall still not saying anything meaningful, just regular things, like how his days go, how he tries to get a job and stuff like that.

It's the following Monday. Waking up Kendall still hardly can believe that he's been in LA for a week now. Taking a quick shower and then making himself something to eat he decides that today he'd play on the street. He doesn't really like those bars he's tried in the last days. Nobody ever listens to his music, they are too lost in their drinks, or in other things, plus he's always distracted, too. There are just too many pretty girls in this city, and at night, in a dusky bar they seem even hotter. There's just too much in those places which remind him of his earlier life.

He was so young and yet he'd gotten into so many things he would love to forget sometimes. Other times he desires them back, but he has somehow learnt by now how to ignore those moments of the day. Having a girl almost every night in his arms isn't a bad thing he's running away from but yet it isn't nice either if anyone finds out how much he used girls back in the past years. He didn't do it to hurt them, but to heal himself, however it sounds weird, it is really like that. And now he feels awful that he's got to put this kind of therapy aside for awhile but he knows that nothing was right from those things he's done. He misses the girls every second of the day but he feels guilty now that he's looking back to those times as past.

Even if everything he's done helped him get through the hard times, he wants nothing from his earlier self. That was just to forget and move on and to learn to handle certain situations. As always, since he is playing and dreaming about getting famous, he'd better use music as a therapy. Even if sometimes he would need the girls. That was another kind of thing to do, a better thing in some ways, a worse in some others, since he was using those girls. But Kendall now wants to do it differently. He only has got to turn his face away, or close his eyes, or get Logan back. He needs Logan, someone who he can talk to.

Sitting on a huge square, Kendall doesn't really remember the name of it, but that doesn't even matter, the one thing that matters is that here there are a lot of people coming and going, Kendall wonders again how he really imagined this. How he should start with getting famous? Does he even deserve to get there? Is he allowed to even think about that? Sometimes these thoughts take over him, other times he can enjoy himself and forget about his fears and issues. Now when he's here, alone but trying to make his dream come true, they come more often, making it hard to stay in focus but then he reminds himself, that's why he started to sing and play in the first place. It happens to turn his mind off, to take weight off his heart, so he lets himself get busy in his music and shakes off the worrying thoughts, the lack of self confidence, the painful memories, and the guilt.

Playing his sometimes melancholic, sometimes happier songs, he senses a few people gathering around him. After almost twenty minutes he starts to hope that people might think he is good at what he's actually doing. This gives him some kind of encouragement and he lets his voice out louder than anytime before. His guitar holder lays in front of him open, not because he wanted to get money out of his performance, just because he forgot to close it and soon people come around to throw a few dollars to him.

That surprises him and again inspires him. Kendall has never played for anyone but his sister and mother and his father when he still was with them, this is the first audience he has which actually pays attention to him. He doesn't count those bars he played at during last week. A fly in the air did not listen to him either.

_A good start._ Kendall finally finds his smile again and is happily playing for about a half hour. Applause follows his last song's final line and chords, Kendall shyly bents his head and reaches out for his bottle of water to flush his dried throat.

The sun is shining hot enough since the morning so it takes him by surprise when placing back his water onto the ground someone steals his sun away for the first time since he's been sitting there.

Looking up, he finds himself under the gaze of the most beautiful woman who he has ever seen.

"Hi," A soft voice addresses Kendall," Elizabeth Scott." The young woman reaches her hand out for Kendall, "come and take a walk with me. I have an offer for you."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: HI:) here i am with this new chap.. i really love this story and once in a lifetime i have the full story written in my mind so it goes quickly. *coughs*.. it would be going quickly if i had time.. school takes a lot.. you know how its going.. so please be patient.. **

**i'd love some more reviews... i know you are reading it.. i dont understand why i cannot get one minute of your life to stop by and say hi?... **

**but anyway.. enough of me.. you're going to know Elizabeth a little more.. also Carlos shows up! and i'm going to try to bring James up in the next chapter : ) you will like him i think.. who wouldn't like him?! lol**

**have fun reading! thanks for every single second you spend here and read my stuff! love you all!**

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- Chapter 2 –

* * *

Kendall, returning to Earth from the first shock that Elizabeth caused, slowly stands up and sends a bewitching smile towards her. Their hands still connected, her touch is soft but has a certain grip and there's something behind her eyes -something that keeps Kendall wondering. He knows that little thing. He has to face the same look every day when he stares into a mirror. There's that beautiful smile, the smile and the shine in the eyes but they are hiding something dark- something what others can not but the people who have been through the dark, too, can notice it easily.

Elizabeth tilts her head, waits for answer from the till now speechless Kendall. She can hardly bear the penetrating look of those green eyes what he has got. She can't help but feel both amazed and scared. What is this thing with him? Why is he staring at her like this? Nobody ever looks at her this way. Like he knows her secret. Like he knows that she is not that who she seems to be. _Where should he know? Elizabeth, think, for God's sake. He does not know anything about you._

"Are you okay?" she asks in the hope of snapping Kendall out of his stillness.

Kendall blinks. He almost gets blind as the sunrays reflect on Elizabeth's beautiful blonde hair. "Yeah, sorry. Kendall Knight." He finally finds the way to introduce himself shaking her skinny hand gently.

She nods, "so. Are you coming? I don't really have time to spend half of my morning out here."

"What kind of offer do you exactly have?" Kendall asks releasing Elizabeth's hand. Both of them sense the weirdness after the contact between them disappears but neither of them does anything; they just stare at each other along. A couple of seconds pass and Kendall bends down and starts to pack his guitar into its holder so he frees from those mesmerizing pair of blue eyes that Elizabeth's got.

"You don't know who I am." She breathes and kind of relief rushes through her body. _See?_ She asks herself. _He doesn't know you at all. Not even from magazines._

"Uh, no. I'm sorry. I'm new here." Kendall chuckles.

"Or on the planet." She laughs quietly and Kendall picks up his head on that sound. He stares at her with a huge grin on his face. He loves that sound. An honest laugh. _From somewhere it sounds familiar. But how is that even possible? I've never met her. I'd remember._

They are locking eyes again. That's for sure that they like to be in some kind of contact all the time.

Kendall raises his eyebrows on Elizabeth's note but smiles and holding his grin he asks, "Excuse me?"

She quietly laughs again and tilts her head from left to right. Kendall is waiting for an answer. Still eyeing her he throws the holder carefully over his shoulder, gets his water, checks if he has his phone and wallet in his pockets and motions to Elizabeth that she's free to head wherever she wants to.

They begin to walk towards the center of one of those streets which are opening from this nice square. She rushes forward, obviously she's late, Kendall is following her without complaining about the pace and listens. "Sorry. It's just surprising that you don't know me. The city is unfortunately full of advertisements of my company."

"Why is that bad?" Kendall frowns.

She corrects herself, "the advertisements are good but my face everywhere is not. I don't like that, but I must do it."

"You're beautiful, have a face that even an angel could envy. Why would you say that?" Kendall smiles at her again but not even a little muscle moves on Elizabeth's face. _Why does she not take a compliment about her look?_

"I'm nothing like that. And this is not the subject I wanted to talk to you about." Her voice changes, gets more professional and her face stiffens even more as she speaks. "I don't have time for talks like this so let's get on to it."

Just as she says that they reach a building – a huge one – and Elizabeth makes it ahead again, Kendall closely behind her and listens to her words. "This is the main building of my company. One of my companies. Your luck that you were right here on the square otherwise I would probably have never found you."

They make it to the elevators after Kendall gets a careful review from security meanwhile Elizabeth takes care of some calls. Once she's done, she rushes the security saying that it's her building and company; plus they work for her, therefore if she wants to let someone in without the usual checking, they should just do so. She doesn't like to wait.

They release him so Elizabeth and Kendall step into the elevator, she speaks along. "My office is on the 18th floor. That's where we are heading now so we can talk about the details of your carrier. The carrier that I intend to help you in if you accept my offer." She doesn't look at Kendall again but searches in her phone contacts.

Kendall anxiously checks every move she makes but remains quiet. _This girl is not a usual girl._ He wonders and quietly runs his eyes up and down on her. _I could do a few things to her. Shit. No. Kendall, stop that. You can make it right other ways, too. _The voice in his head whispers to him. Only whispers. Even the voice notices that he has to be quiet next to this woman. Even he is scared.

Elizabeth makes a call again. Talks to someone, Kendall can fish the name 'Gustavo' out but nothing more. She mentions some appointment, something about a new project she is very hopeful about and something about another one that this Gustavo man just should drop because she has got something much better. Then without saying goodbye she hangs up.

Through narrowed eyes Kendall examines her a little better. _She really is perfect and beautiful. _Why would she think otherwise? She owns a huge company like this and she takes herself down this much if it's about looks? Why? Kendall doesn't seem to understand a thing but another voice, louder and braver than the previous one, calls his insides. _Just look at her. Imagine how many ways you could make her feeling good -as good as might no one else would be able to do. You have a talent at that. You know it. _Kendall shakes his head to shrug off the voice but it keeps talking, _come on. You'd press her up against this glass wall and would round her pretty skirt up and … _Kendall's thoughts interrupted by Elizabeth's voice again.

He quietly thanks to whoever he has to thank for her speaking up just now and turns his attention at what she's just now saying. "So, since you don't know what company this is that I call mine. I tell you shortly. Besides dozens of others I have this one in music industry. I'm a producer of many musicians in the entire US lately. I hook you up, help you start your carrier and you must let me have a nice cut of any kind of profit you make."

_Oh so it's all about her and her money. Not me? _Kendall looks around. A long, nicely decorated hallway is in front of them. On both sides there are plenty of doors leading into offices where people are working. On the way towards the end of this hallway Elizabeth keeps talking about her company -how successful it is and how many musicians she's ever helped. Kendall hardly can keep up but he tries his best.

Elizabeth never seems distracted, does not matter what happens, how many uniform dressed, pretty and young women come up to her to sign papers here and there, to get instructions about this and that. After she finishes with them she talks to Kendall again and they never stop, not for a second until they reach the end of the corridor.

There is a bigger space, with a desk, a pretty brunette woman sitting behind it, who immediately jumps up when she spots Elizabeth. Opposite the desk there are comfortable looking leather couches. _This can be some kind of waiting area for those who come to see her._

Kendall's suspicion proves true when Elizabeth explains where they are and takes the heap of documents from her assistant. The pretty brunette, _Ana, _Kendall reads the name off her blinding white uniform top, smiles at Kendall and rushes back to her desk where the phone rings.

Elizabeth checks if she's got everything she needs and motions to Kendall, "come." He does as he is told and follows the blonde woman with a curious look stuck onto her shapely behind. He quickly shakes his head again and lifts his eyes to look around in the room he just now got into.

Room. What room? This office is bigger than Kendall's apartment. Elizabeth keeps talking; Kendall tries to keep up, hardly though. He almost loses it a few times.

"If you ever come to see me, you have to wait outside, doesn't matter if you have appointment or you don't. You can't come in as long as I don't tell you to. Understand?"

Kendall keeps blinking. What is it? What kind of place he just now got to? "Do you understand Mr. Knight?"

"Yes. Sure. Why would I slam your door open on you?" he asks in embarrassment.

"You have no idea what kind of things can happen. I like my safety. I like my rules and boundaries. I hope you listened well enough."

"Ah yeah." Kendall scratches the back of his neck. He takes his holder off his shoulder and places it down onto one of the couches in the room. Elizabeth is on the phone again. Kendall listens.

"No. Carlos, please. I'll call you back later. Yeah I know but forgive me, bye." She hangs up. _Wow, that Carlos has got a 'bye'. Must be an important guy._

Kendall stands awkwardly in the middle of the huge office and stares out of the windows. From ceiling to floor windows, there is an entire wall letting all the lights in from outside. _Hm. If I could do this. I'd love it, too. She has something dark in her life what she wants to chase away with all this brightness. _Kendall unwillingly notices the many white surfaces in Elizabeth's room.

He knows from experience, it's not just the niceness of the color or the love of the bright things. It's the shelter from the dark things which you are scared of that they can pull you back anytime and you maybe won't be able to get out from there again.

He swallows as the thought of the dark things reminds him. _I don't even deserve this. _Part of him wants to run away. He just cannot be here. It was stupid to dream something like this. This woman is powerful, has contacts everywhere in the world, she can help him but he doesn't deserve it. How did he dare to imagine that it all can be his one day? _You want to get fame and rich when you destroyed someone's life? How did you think it will help to make anything right? _That voice comes to him again. He's frozen on the white floor of Elizabeth's office. His heartbeat is racing, sweat drops run down on his back.

He didn't have an attack like this in a while. Maybe now that his dream is so close to come true it's brought it out again?

His luck is that Elizabeth cannot see him. She's turned towards the windows and is on the phone again. He has got some time to fix himself. _Come on Kendall. _The other, soft voice calls for him. _You made it through all those years. Don't give up now. Don't let your past to take you over. Remember. You need to get over your past. Breathe. You deserve it. You can make it right. You've already done so much, just go along._ Kendall calms down and breathes deeply. He senses violets. Elizabeth's smell. He remembers when they were in the elevator it filled out that small place. And now here in the entire room, violets, again. So soft and calming and so innocent.

_Everything what you are not. _He tries so hard to overwhelm that voice but it keeps coming back. Kendall's so scared that once the other voice wouldn't come and wouldn't keep him back from running away. He already sees himself in a short amount of time when his dream is nearly come true and he's running away.

But not yet. He is still standing. The calming voice shows up. _Hope. Be strong and don't ever take your eyes off the goal and don't forget why you want to get there either._

"I'm sorry." Elizabeth says again snapping Kendall out. "As you see there's a lot that I have to deal with."

"Yeah I see." Kendall quietly murmurs. The encouraging voice didn't have that real good effect on him. He tries though, really hard.

"I see you're anxious. Is there something wrong?" she asks Kendall.

"No. I'm just shocked by all of this." Kendall says and doesn't lie. He really is shocked.

"Oh. Natural effect." She says. _Oh one thing she is proud of. Her business success._ She presses a button on the phone on her desk, "Ana, I won't take any more calls for a little while."

"Yes, ma'am." Kendall hears the brunette's reply.

"Take a seat by the way." Elizabeth points at the chair in front of her desk. Kendall slowly drags himself there and sits down.

"So are you sure you're ready for this?" she wants to know.

"I don't exactly know what I should be ready for." He murmurs.

"Would you tell me what bothers you? If you keep something from me, we won't be able to work together, perfectly." She snaps.

"Oh nothing. Just still the effect of the shock. I wonder … oh you know. You were talking about other companies and that you own this building, which is huge and what you said about the city full of your advertisements. How? At such a young age?"

"Yeah. I'm not older than you I think but this is how my life has worked out. This is what I have got; I've held onto it and have grown it so now here I am."

"Not a bad thing what you have gotten here, I have to admit." Kendall chuckles. "And you seem like you're proud of it."

"Of course I am. And I will always work hard to keep it. There's just too much work in it, you know, my dad's work. I wouldn't like to disappoint him." _Oh her dad. She loves him._

"He must be proud of you." Kendall says and secretly wishes he would know if his dad is proud of him now. He misses him so much in this moment. Again. All the time.

Elizabeth shifts in her seat and takes a long breath. "I hope he would be." She says and doesn't look at Kendall but at a photograph on her desk. Kendall can't see what it is showing but he assures that can be the certain man she is talking about. "I was only 21 when he passed away."

_Oh no. Why? Why life has taken away this amazing girl's dad who she apparently loved with all of her heart? Why's life so cruel?_

"I'm sorry." Kendall whispers and links his fingers. Staring down at them he says, "I lost mine, too. At the age of 21 myself. Odd."

"I don't know why I started to talk about him. I never do this. This has nothing to do with our business." Elizabeth stands and goes to another part of the room. There is a small bar there. She fletches a glass of water and drinks. Then she turns, "would you like a drink?"

"Oh, yes, sure. Thanks. Water." Kendall mumbles and Elizabeth is there with the glass within a minute. Then she settles back into her seat, behind her the city of LA but Kendall doesn't have time to admire the view again.

"So. Let's talk about the important things now. I really don't have time for this." She fishes out a bunch of papers, a contract as Kendall guesses. "I'll give you this now." She hands it to him leaning across her desk. Kendall reaches for it and takes a quick look on the first page but then glances back at Elizabeth.

"This is a usual contract I make with all of my clients. It clearly explains what kinds of expectations are build up towards you and also towards me once you sign. Because of course I have to accomplish many kinds of conditions so you won't ever say that I haven't done everything for you that I was capable of. I'm going to leave you in charge of another good pro that is going to help you in your music and I'm going to take care of your image, I'm going to let the world know that you're coming to sweep them off." She smiles.

"So you're not doing music yourself?" Kendall asks.

She shakes her head, "No. I don't. But I have a good ear at it, also a good taste and I can see the talent. I have the money to help you start, to lead you to the right direction and you're going to thank it to me with a certain cut of your profits. As I mentioned that before."

"Which is?" Kendall frowns.

She smirks, "you want to make lot money out of music?"

"Maybe. Not for myself, not only for myself." Kendall chuckles.

"Good. There's nothing wrong with that. You must have goals and expectations from yourself. Otherwise you won't be able to do this through. You mustn't take your eyes off your goal, ever. You must deal with a lot of difficulties that are going to happen but this is how everything works. The money, if you happen to make your own album I'll get half of everything. Not just the sales of your songs but the income of your concerts, merchandise, whatever you get into and earn money, half of that is coming to me. It is going this way because at first, how you come here, you have nothing. I suppose. I have to put lot money into you so you will be able to start something with yourself. If you happen to fail then I fail with you so that's why I intend to get that huge share. Understand?"

"Sure." Kendall nods and doesn't even want to ask the 'what if I fail?' kind of question. _Let's just suppose I won't fail._

"Good." Elizabeth says. "And since I'm the one helping you, giving you all the support you might need, you have to obey whatever I intend to change on you. We have to insist to a usual image that's expected if someone like you comes up. Your music is fine. I think. I listened to you and I liked it. Do you write songs?"

"Yes. I do write. I have a lot of them ready or at least on a level from where we can start." Kendall says. Elizabeth's a real pro. She's already over her previous and quite comfortable talk with Kendall. She's switched mood and talks to and talks about Kendall as about an item to sell.

"Good. We'll see what Gustavo is going to start with them. Read the contract." She leans back against her seat, "and come back tomorrow so we can start if you want to sign. If you don't, I will say you're stupid. Because Kendall, this might be your chance. Everyone has to start somewhere and if an opportunity comes like this, you shouldn't let it run you by."

The first time when she said his name. _Kendall. _The way, how the two syllables slipped out of her mouth, echoes in Kendall's mind. _Oh if she moaned your name. How good that would be? _That voice comes up again but Kendall quickly ignores it. Instead he's thinking about her words. _Opportunity. Don't let it run you by. _They sound like his dad's words. He often said similar things to keep the belief in his son.

"Then tomorrow when?" he asks.

Elizabeth's face lights up by a little ghost of a smile around her lips. _This is a good start. _She presses a button on the phone again, "Ana. Reschedule my morning tomorrow. I'm going to be busy enough with Mr. Knight."

"Yes, ma'am." Ana replies.

"Nine?" Elizabeth asks.

Kendall nods. "Good for me."

"You don't have a car, right?" Elizabeth asks before Kendall could say more.

"Oh, no I don't. Why?"

"Just asking. Don't be late. I'd like to get on it with you the sooner the better." She says and gets onto her feet. Going around her desk she continues, "I hope it will work. I really like your music and I see a lot of things to discover in you, Mr. Knight."

"You can call me Kendall." Kendall says standing up. Their eyes meet as she's leaning against the front of her desk.

"I rather call you on your surname. That's how business works between a client and his boss." She snaps. "Well. That's all for now. Please leave your phone number at Ana so if anything comes up between now and our tomorrow morning meeting we can let you know."

"Okay. Good bye Miss. Scott." Kendall glances at her once again before turning around and heading towards the couch where his guitar is laying. He takes it over his shoulder again.

"Mr. Knight." Elizabeth steps up to him and they shake hands again. The bolt of joy by a simple touch rushes through both of their bodies and it happens to feel like an electric shock so they quickly part. She motions to the direction of the door. Kendall rolls his eyes and ambles out of the room.

When Kendall is out Elizabeth blows out a long breath she didn't even notice she was holding in. _This guy._

She seats herself back behind her desk again and gets her phone. She dials a number and is wondering if Kendall is going to agree to working with her.

The line rings only once and a smile spreads across her face when she hears her best friend's reply. "Elizabeth. Already thought you'd miss our morning call."

"Not for a million dollars Carlos." She laughs.

"Ah, like a million dollars would mean a thing for you." Carlos says, his giggle is hearable.

Elizabeth hums, "true that, but seriously, you know I wouldn't miss it. How are you?"

"How am I?" Carlos asks. "It's you we usually talk about."

"Yes, I know but actually I don't have anything to say, nothing like those things."

"Oh? Well, I'm glad to hear that. Then what are those other things?"

"You know, Carlos, now I really feel well. So well, that I've already forgotten I can feel like this." She says on her soft, warm voice.

Carlos remains in silence. "Carlos?"

"I'm sorry." His voice is back. "I was checking if it was really you who called me. Elizabeth, what happened? I've been working to make you say something like that for years and you just now said it. You said you're happy. Why?"

Elizabeth lets out a long breath again; her heart is beating in her chest rapidly as she remembers the reason of her mood. "This guy." She breathes.

Though Elizabeth cannot see Carlos, she knows that at this point he jumped up from his seat, "what guy? Elizabeth, why did you refuse my first call? What were you doing? Whom with?"

"Chill, Carlos, for God's sake. I was with a client. A new guy. A really attractive, cute, and last but not least beyond talented guy." She says.

"We should set an appointment soon. Elizabeth, it's been too long and you need to talk to me face to face. I need to see your expressions when you're talking about guys." Carlos says seriousness flooding from his voice.

She sighs, "I know Carlos. But I'm way too busy and I don't have time to see you in the other half of the city. I have so many things to do. It's the middle of June and all my companies are working on the half year reports. I need to check out their work so if there is any anomaly I can be here to fix it. We can't allow a mistake in the system, you know that."

"I know." Carlos says and his voice changes. "But then don't look at it like an appointment. Look at it like a dinner with a friend, a best friend if I'm still in that status even if we haven't met in weeks because of both of our busy schedules."

"Oh Carlos." She sighs again. "I'm so sorry. I'm such a bad friend."

"No, you're not. You're the best friend I've ever had. It's my fault, too in particular ways."

"Really, how is Stephanie doing?"

Carlos' voice turns somewhat sadder again, "she's fine. Though she asks more and more about her mom. She misses her so much. So do I, Elizabeth."

"Oh Carlos. We really need an appointment. Not just for me, for you, too. What did you say to her?"

"The truth. What else I could say. That she's in the heaven with angels. She's happy about that but it hurts… so much to talk about her..after two years it's still so painful. And how she's getting older she's going to mention her more and I just don't know how I'm going to deal with everything."

"I'm sure you can do it. Give yourself some of your advices that you'd give to your patients. Know that she's in a better place now and that she's proud of you for everything you've done so far for your daughter. And other things you would say. I don't know them; after all it's you with the diploma."

That makes Carlos laugh. "I love you Elizabeth. I'm glad I have a friend as you."

"You have me always even though I'm not actually there. You can come and slam my door open anytime. You remember how many times I've done that with you? You can do that, too if you need to talk."

"I will do, I promise. Very soon. For two reason." Carlos' voice gets a new tone again. Elizabeth knows he is trying to forget about his pain so she decides she won't ask more about Grace and Stephanie. "One what I mentioned before that I need to see your expression during therapy. Two, I need to meet this guy."

"And do you think he's going to be here with me all the time just because I said I'm happy about him?" she asks.

Carlos hums as a response and after a couple of seconds he says, "Yes. I know you. You're going to keep him around if you like him. You need him then to be happy, to push the bad things away, to remind yourself that it's not wrong if you desire to be happy once in a lifetime. And if this guy makes you happy with simply being there, then you'll keep him around. And there's nothing wrong with that. You really do have the right to be happy so live with the opportunity but don't get carried away. You can easily get hurt and we don't want that, neither you nor me, nor would your dad."

"Oh Carlos." She sighs the same way as she's done twice already during this conversation with her best friend. "I don't even know why I feel like this. I don't know what this guy brings with himself but there's something making me relax. I started to talk about dad with him. He has got amazing voice and music, mesmerizing eyes and something what pulls me to him. While he was here I was both scared of the effect he has on me and both glad that someone can do it to me still."

"You deserve it, you know. Don't take yourself down and don't get scared if he has an effect on you. Just be careful and enjoy the moment. Don't be afraid of the next one, just always enjoy this certain moment, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay."

"Elizabeth. Listen. You have got to let people into your life, don't close up if he's the one who obviously comforts you and you've started to open up."

"It's just.. gonna be hard. I don't want all this to come out. I want him to be here but also I'm already scared for tomorrow. I don't know what I would tell him and what his reaction would be, I don't even know how to act around him."

"Hey, girl. Where's your previous confidence?"

"Flown away when I realized I might not deserve anything of him. He's too good. He seems too good, Carlos. Too good for me. I shouldn't be happy for him."

"Don't say that. I hate that I can't hug you now, that I can't see what face you make."

"You don't want to see it." Elizabeth whispers and reaches for a tissue to wipe away her appearing tears in the corner of her eyes.

"I always love to see your beautiful face. When are you going to realize that you're beyond beautiful?"

"Never. I don't care what anybody says."

"Elizabeth, you haven't been like this in a while. You're healed, remember and see yourself the way as anybody else does. You're successful, beautiful, young. Why can't you accept that you deserve a happy life?"

"You know why."

"Shit. Elizabeth. If you don't change this attitude now I've got to go over and talk your ear off."

She giggled. "I'd be really happy to see you. These mood swings seem to come back again."

"We'll fix that, okay? Again, if we need to."

"Okay."

"The reason of the mood swings is probably this new guy. You're happy to have him around and you're scared of being happy. That causes the duplicity. Tell me about him."

"Look Carlos. I really would love to but I don't have time."

"You can make time, you know that. Half of the city is in your hands; don't tell me that you can't squeeze some time into your schedule for your own good."

"Okay. Wait a minute. With my little outburst we lost some time." Elizabeth presses the button on her phone which connects her to her assistant, "Ana. Please move all my appointments up for a half hour."

"Yes, Miss. Scott." The assistant replies and then Elizabeth is back to Carlos.

"A half hour? You're giving too much there for me."

"Ha you wanted me to talk so now you're going to listen to me and then you can return to your patients."

"Just like that. Now tell me about him."

Elizabeth sucks in a deep breath and turns her seat so she's facing with the wonderful view of LA downtown. "He's sexy, Carlos. I swear he is. You know that I don't usually say things like that but I really think he is. Plus there is something in his eyes that doesn't let me calm. He was lost for a few moments when he stepped into my office."

"Everyone gets lost there. It's huge." Carlos interrupts. "Go on, sorry." He says.

She continues without any comment. "It was like he was scared or something like that. You know? It was almost the same look that I have when I feel like I don't deserve something." She pauses giving Carlos the opportunity to speak.

"Well, nobody knows what he was thinking but him. But knowing you I can imagine that it's just the way you describe it. Now I want to meet him even more. I want to see if he's really scared but listen to me. You know what Hollywood is like, better than anyone. It easily scares the new folks here. Why do you think I have this many clients. They are going crazy in this city. What was he like anyways?"

Knowing well what Carlos is aiming at, Elizabeth starts to detail. "Well, he looked shy but there is a part of him which I think I'm going to have some problems with. The fact that he made me open up about a thing I never talk about, scares me. Someone who has this feature can be dangerous. This just sucks. I hate myself for wanting to push him away but I'm going to, I think. As I said he seems too good. He deserves better than me."

"On the other hand you want to keep him around because from the deepest corner of your heart you already desire happiness. It's because you're somewhat healed Elizabeth. Don't let your fears getting over you. Let your healed part take over and let yourself enjoy it, whatever comes. If you like to be around him, don't push him away till you don't have a real reason to do so. If you do push him away, then years of therapy gets lost in the nothing. That's what we've been working for, for you to be able keep people close to you, certain people. Not everyone but those who you have trust in."

"I know. I'm sorry. It's not you being the wrong therapist. It's me being the wrong patient. I can't do it. I need more time."

"I understand and I'm here to help you, you know that. Forget about the fears. Tell me what makes you happy in him."

"His smile. Angelic one. His laugh. His eyes. His hands, as he's playing. Carlos, he's just so gorgeous."

"Good. Keep that in mind. You're allowed to like him."

"I'm trying."

"That's more than enough, Elizabeth." Carlos says but his voice gets lower.

"What is it?" Elizabeth asks sensing the change.

"My phone is buzzing. It's another important patient. She hardly can deal with her life without me."

"I hardly can do that without you either. You're an amazing person Carlos and you'll find your happiness, too. Sometimes seriously listen to your own advices and be opened because you never know when someone will cone who might be worth a try."

"Aww. I don't know what you and I would do without each other."

"Hopefully we will never have to experience the 'without each other', hopefully."

"If it depends on me, we won't. I promise. But now I gotta go and you have still 15 minutes left. Don't beat yourself up."

"I'm not going to. I have a million things to do since this Kendall guy came and has messed up my morning."

"Guess, it's the name of that mesmerizing angel?"

"Yes, you smartass. It is his name. Go and get yourself into work. I have got to do that, too. See you and talk soon."

"Good bye Elizabeth. Miss you and love you."

"Love you, too, Carlos." Elizabeth says and then removes her phone from her ear and cancels the call.

She busies herself in work, not thinking about neither Kendall nor past but doing what she can the best. Forgetting and working as therapy. That's always the best way to get past things you don't want to face just yet.

Kendall after hardly finding a bus to take him home, falls onto his bed tiredly and stares at the white ceiling.

Since he's left Elizabeth's office he's been wondering what this amazing woman has got to hide. Because sure she has something. When he realizes what he is doing he slaps himself in the face mentally. It's just not right to think something like that about someone who you have spent a few hours with. You have no right to judge even if there is something she is hiding.

_You have no right to judge anyone for hiding anything, mainly if you remind yourself what you're hiding._ The voice is back and Kendall is about to get out of bed and hit his head into a wall. He just wants that voice to finally leave. Why does it keep coming back? Why? When he already has made his decision, when he already wants to try it, when he barely made himself believe that he has the right to be happy sometimes and do something he likes with all of his heart? Why now? Why always in the best moment?

Sometimes back in his younger years when these voices came, he was thinking about harming himself. He wanted them to just cease and leave him alone. They always came when everything was fine and when he kind of felt happy about something. A game of hockey, a song he learnt to play, his payment he got every first Friday of the month after his hard work. They came to take over him, saying that he didn't deserve that all and then Kendall was either quietly sobbing in his room or if he had strength to pull his balls up, he went out to forget.

One day they came even harder, they were louder, forceful and hateful. Kendall wanted to die.

His luck was that he still had a piece of his mind and he found a place where he was understood, where people helped him without asking who he was and where later he could help people, too, when he was feeling better.

But there was not only that one day when Kendall wanted to throw his life away. Oh, there was way too much of those days. Remembering how miserable he was, Kendall feels even worse now again.

Wouldn't it be easier if he just gave up and he could stop fighting, he could go to the place where he belongs to, the voices were gone, and nobody ever would know what he's done. Nobody's ever would judge him for his mistakes. And he could meet with his dad again. _Dad._

But then, _why would you give up if you have come this far?_ A voice asks echoing in his head. Kendall is standing in his new bathroom staring into the mirror, into his own green eyes, which now seem darker. His eyes wander down to the razors. It only would take a few minutes. He knows how it would be; he's seen it enough times back at Minnesota. So many kids and other older people cutting themselves. _The urge comes so quickly._ They said not even knowing that Kendall knew exactly what it was like. The difference is that even if Kendall has got these mood swings, too and the urge really comes from one second to another, he always could fight against it. He always won. He's never cut.

_But now._

His hand reaches for the item on the sink but then the other voice is calling for him again, _look around where you are. Remember, Kendall remember. You've worked for it. You deserve it. Nobody does deserve it better than you. Don't give up now when you're here, have come so far._

Kendall steps back from the sink and checks his look in the mirror. He swallows seeing how fucked up of a look he just has got but then shakes his head. _I remember. I know I deserve it. I can make it right. I believe. I live for the future not in the past._

He backs out of the bathroom, hardly though but he is out of there. The door is closed and he's lowering to the bed staring at his wrists in his lap. The push is stronger than ever. It comes back continuously. Kendall needs something. Part of him doesn't want to leave this world. He needs to live. He doesn't want to hurt himself.

But he knows if he's going to be alone, he probably won't be able to fix himself once more if he will stand in the bathroom staring at those razors. _Why didn't I get a girl yet? Why do I want to stop with them? Why do I want to change when that way I was never alone and I was safe from these moments plus I even did something good for them, too? Why?_

Elizabeth comes to his mind. He wanted to hold her. How could he even think about it when that woman offered him help? How fucked up someone has to be to think like that? Does he deserve this woman's good will? He's so close now, he just has got to sign a contract and he is going to be on his way to the desired fame.

But the question is, even if he does get through his inchoate issues he feels by all this sudden change, how is going to deal with all the difficulties that Elizabeth mentioned? How is he going to get through all of that if he's going to be alone and feels the way he's feeling now?

Here again. Once when he already thought it's over for today, it comes back. So quickly. They come so sudden. These thoughts switch his mood second by second. It's so hard. How would he do it later when he's hardly dealing with himself now?

Now. When he wants to cut. Later it only will be harder. He needs to end it. He won't be able to do it.

And there. The voices don't come. Neither of them. Maybe this time he is going to do it. Really.

He is just about to get off bed and make it to bathroom when his phone rings saving him.

_Logan._ Kendall smiles. His best brother who always shows up when he needs him.

They talk through the half of the night. Kendall is so tired once they hang up after midnight that he falls quickly asleep but before that he quietly murmurs a prayer for whoever he has to be grateful for Logan's call.

His hope is the fact that he wants to live.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: hello.. here is a new chapter. .though not many people are reading this I keep writing because I still think that it was my best decision to start this fiction.. so yeah .. those who doesn't like it.. I am sorry..**

**Right now I am having rough times in my life so I am not sure if I can post ANYTHING ... I am sorry for that as well... I am trying to come with similar length in every chapter.. if I can't make it, I am sorry.. **

**Forever grateful for my dear beta, Irina, (you can contact her through my profil) .. she seems to like it and I am so glad to know it.. I am the same glad for anyone else who stops by and says a quiet hi to me, I love to see that you guys enjoy what I do. it helps a lot... you don't even know..**

**Thank you all for reading.. seriously I love you all!**

**One last thing.. here James comes into picture and I quietly note here: I have warned you about something in the very beginning.. don't like it? I am sorry again, this is going to be the way I will write... have fun : ) love you all, xo, Julie...**

**p.s: to make assumptions based on hints that you are reading here is totally unnecessary... everything will be all right, just remember who i am...**

* * *

Chapter - 3

* * *

_No! It hurts! Please! Just stop…stop…stop…_

_A few fading, weak cries all that he can hear. The girl…desperate crying softly, she still has hope that they would let her go…but then her voice gets lost, tired and she is quiet. What happened? Where has the voice gone? Where is she gone? Is she still there….? She is…he can hear her uncontrolled breathing, her quiet groans but no more cries…._

Kendall wakes the following morning in sweat and insane hotness. His blood is boiling, memories going round and round in his mind. _Memories or dreams? – memories. _He soon recognizes sitting up and thinking what he was just dreaming about.

He crawls out of bed tossing his pajama bottoms off and heading for a shower. Yes, he needs a cooling shower before the voices would come and after this dream he doubts he could fight with them. He is too exhausted, too tired. Last night has been hell and the morning doesn't start well either. He needs to get past it before another attack comes. He has got to hurry to get ready for his meeting with Elizabeth.

He tries to forget it but then he hits himself mentally. _How could you forget it? You mustn't forget, nor learn to live with the feeling. You have to suffer. _There are no voices. It's him telling himself those words. He tries again. As he shakes his head droplets of water fly around in the bathroom.

Yes he tries but it gets harder every time he wants to get past it. He doesn't understand how these attacks come now even more sudden and they last longer, through an entire night. He doesn't know what he is doing wrong, why he cannot get over them as he always does after a couple of hours of suffering.

He remembers, back at home when they wouldn't go away he just would sit down and played some song. Then he believed again that he could make it, he could make everything, he deserved to have a chance to make it, he knew it.

Somehow now it doesn't work.

He soon should be going to Elizabeth and he is still sitting on his bedroom floor holding his guitar, eyes in tears, heart a squeezed little ball, hopes somewhere deep under the guilt, under the pain.

_Come on. What's going on with you? _A voice wakes up in his head and says nearly causing Kendall to jump up off his seat. _ I don't know._ He answers without giving a noise but thinking and starting a conversation with himself.

_You have been fine lately. What's brought it out of you now? Why now when everything seems to turn to the way you have ever wanted?_

_I don't know._

_Then don't think about it. Don't try to understand. Just forget it, get past it and go with the chance you get. Kendall, you can make it._

Kendall takes a deep breath and lifts himself up from the floor. He sets his guitar in a corner of the room and stands in front of the mirror.

_Can I make it?_

_You can._

It has got to be too early because there is not another voice which would always say _you can't. _

Then he wonders if that voice wasn't there yet today why is he doing this to himself? _It gets worse. I don't even hear the voice and I feel awful. The dream. _Soon he remembers. The kind of dream which comes with loads of memories, he hasn't had an experience like this in a long while. But after how he got into bed last night it's understandable.

The voice doesn't come to take him over, to tell him to end it, but still Kendall wants to end it again. The voice this time sent the dream to remind him, it has sent the other voice that he hated to hear and that he hated himself for because he was the cause of that voice, that desperate girl.

_What the fuck? Now really why? _He is screaming inside, he waits for the voice to come and answer but there is nothing.

_I need to go. Get out of here. _Messing in his hair he shakes his head and walks around the room. _Get out of here. _He grabs a jacket out of his closet and makes it to the living room.

_I'm pathetic. I seriously am. _He thinks trying to put the key into the lock and get out of the flat the sooner the better. _It's never been this bad. Why now? Why just NOW? Why do I want to run just now? WHY?_

He doesn't understand a thing of those thoughts that are going round and round in his mind in that bare moment till he is working with the lock.

Usually he knows how to handle this but now he just can't calm down. He isn't able to do it. There is something that keeps him on the same level. Something in this flat? Something in this city? Something … something … somewhere… _but WHAT? And why it doesn't let me be alone?_

As the door opens a man stands there. "Uh hi." Kendall says, the words feel weird on his tongue since today he hasn't spoken to anyone but to himself yet.

The man nods, "good morning. Mr. Knight?"

"Yes." Kendall answers shortly. "And you?"

"I'm John Meyer. I'm working for Miss Scott. She has sent me to take you safely to her office."

Kendall blinks. _Elizabeth. _As her beautiful face visions in front of his green eyes Kendall smiles lightly. But then he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know where he was exactly going to when this John person came; he just wanted to get out of his apartment.

Would he have gone to Elizabeth? Would he have gone to somewhere else forgetting all about her and their half-agreed arrangement?

"Okay." Kendall nods, closes the door behind him and motions to John who heads on the way. Kendall follows him without a word being asked how John knew where to find him or whatsoever.

_Today it's going to be started. I'm going to be on the way to my dream. I'm going to make it. I'm going to prove that I can make it. God has sent her my way to help me. If she wouldn't have sent this man….who knows where I would be going now…. I don't think I would have survived it alone…not again.. the dreams are back and there is no one to run to .. not anymore… I can't do it alone… I mustn't be alone….it gets too intense…one day when Logan won't call… one day when someone won't interrupt and snap me out and drag me away and I will finish it….one moment is more than enough…_

With these thoughts he sets himself in the back of the car that Elizabeth sent for him. He doesn't want to be alone, he doesn't want to think. It would only make everything worse and he would get to Elizabeth in a mood which wouldn't be acceptable.

Kendall decides to make a call. He talks through all the way to Elizabeth's office. His mom is really excited to hear that Kendall has found an opportunity to start something and that it has happened so quickly. She tells him that she is proud of him and though she doesn't say it but Kendall knows she wants to add that his dad is proud, too.

This talk reminds him. His dad, he would be proud now, he wouldn't like to see Kendall giving it up, so by the time he arrives to Elizabeth he's clear minded and somewhat calmed. _Just get through this day for now._ He is thinking as he steps into the building.

* * *

_Please...! Stop.. just stop… she quietly cries but they never stop and soon she doesn't have the strength to cry anymore. She isn't conscious anymore…she can just hardly breathe and feels her cheeks getting wet by thousands of tears but she doesn't feel anything else…she is lost..she is hurt…in the dark…she doesn't dare open her eyes…she doesn't even have the strength to do so…_

She wakes with racing heart and overwhelmed mind. _They are back._ She can hardly stop herself from crying but climbs out of bed and makes it to the bathroom. _Look at yourself Elizabeth. You're a mess again. Just like that morning. _"No." she quietly says like anybody would hear and moves to take a shower.

_Get past it. Get past it. They won't hurt you again._ She repeats the phrases whilst finishing the shower. She looks for some clothes to put on and stares at herself in the mirror of her bedroom. Her perfect shape draws in front of her but she doesn't see it. She sees all the bruises and the pain radiating towards every little part of her body. Doesn't matter that she truly is beautiful, she cannot see it. _"Fuck. You're so beautiful." _He said.

"NO" she goes to her phone and pulls up Carlos' number.

"Car-Carlos…" her shaking voice immediately shows that she has a problem.

"Elizabeth! What happened? Where are you?"

She swallows and gathers her thoughts. "Elizabeth?" Carlos raises his voice worried.

"Here. At home. I'm….dream…I had a dream..again…" she breathes and sits down on the edge of her bed.

"Calm down. Take deep breaths. It was just a dream. He won't hurt you. Just remember how we did it earlier."

"I know. I know. A dream. Nothing more. Just a dream." She says and soon calms. Talking to Carlos, only to hear his voice is enough to relax, to see that is real and that isn't. This is what she always needs, someone to hold onto, to talk to, someone who reminds her that everything is fine now.

"Elizabeth, you need a normal therapy again. Come see me sometime today." Carlos says softly and quietly. Elizabeth is now calmed he can hear that from her breathing so he knows he can speak. "Please, you know you need it. You don't have to feel ashamed that you are back at this point. It happens very often. We need to find out what causes it."

"I can't go today, Carlos. I have got so much to do with Kendall and with the other com…" she starts but Carlos cuts her word off, "please Elizabeth."

"I don't want it again, Carlos. It seems like I'm not a good patient, nothing works for me. Thanks for listening though. We'll talk later. It was all that I needed, to hear a voice…a different one from the one in my dream. Thank you." She hangs up with those words and quickly makes it to her office.

She wants to get out to the air where people are around, where she is not alone, where she cannot hear the voice in her head saying how beautiful she is. She needs a better therapy; she needs her work to forget it, to get over it. She doesn't want to seem miserable again and get back to the exact same state where she has started. She doesn't want Carlos to think that she cannot deal with these things. He is the best therapist, her best friend as well and she doesn't want to disappoint him.

She doesn't want to disappoint her dad either.

She asks her driver to drop her out at the same place where he did the day before. She thinks finding Kendall was a lucky thing, her day started well then and hoped if she starts the day the same it will be just as good as it was yesterday.

Of course Kendall isn't there on the square. She hopes he's already sitting in her office waiting for her to show up. Elizabeth wonders how long it's been since she walked through this square twice in 24 short hours.

She barely goes out other than for her job, she doesn't like to be on the streets, mainly not alone but then again in a crowded part of the city like this she would never be alone. She could take this short distance to her office every day even.

* * *

"Good morning, Ana." Kendall smiles at the brunette assistant as he walks into the little waiting area in front of the door of Elizabeth's office.

"Mr. Knight." She nods. "Delighted to see that you're back here."

"Thank you." Kendall says standing in front of her desk. "It's very nice from you. Elizabeth is here already?"

She shakes her head, "no, sir. She isn't yet, but soon she will be, I'm sure. Take a seat till then."

"Thanks." Kendall tilts his head and moves to settle down on the couch.

He is watching people coming around and asking for Elizabeth, Ana sends them away and waves them for patience. Kendall is trying to distract his mind so he gets lost in the posters on the walls. They are all famous musicians, he knows each and every one of them.

He remembers that Elizabeth said that she's worked with many popular people but he doesn't remember these posters from yesterday. Probably he was too deeply in amazement. He still can barely believe that he is sitting here and someday he might be a décor on one of those walls as well.

Kendall stands up unable to just admire the posters from far and studies each of them closer. As he just reaches the last one on that wall he hears the office waking up just like yesterday when Elizabeth and he walked in. He knows she is here.

He peeks out from the shelter of the wall and spots her coming on the hallway, people around her everywhere just like the day before. "A signature here." One says then disappears behind a door. "Another signature here." Another blonde girl asks and then she is gone, too. Then more and more employees come and ask for this and that and by the time Elizabeth approaches her office her hands are full with documents.

Kendall steps up to her and helps her to hold them. She thanks him with a light smile then quickly turns to Ana, "Gustavo called?"

"Yes Miss Scott. He said he will be here around eleven."

"Told him that I need him around ten?"

"Yes Miss, but he said he is busy with someone else and is not able to come earlier." The brunette replies and Elizabeth groans. "He knows that here it's me having the control. I have a million things to do. Why he just cannot come when I want him to?" she asks rather from no one than from Ana or from Kendall and then sighs. "Come Mr. Knight."

And Kendall does go after her waving a good bye to Ana. He closes the door and watches Elizabeth moving around her desk and tossing the documents onto her desk. "I seriously don't know why I'm investing into the computer net in this damned company if nobody uses it. Every day I'm welcomed with paperwork which keeps me busy for an entire day." She goes to the bar and gets a glass of water for herself.

Kendall is quiet.

"Is anything the matter Mr. Knight?" she asks coming up to Kendall with some water for him, too.

He shakes his head, "nothing Miss Scott."

"Oh come on, I can see there is something." She says and motions for him to take a seat. She leans against the front of her desk and eyes Kendall as he sits down. "Tell me."

"I just had a weird night and morning. It's all. I'm a bit distracted by a few things but I'm all right. I will be once we get into work. I'm sure." He says looking up at her. She looks gorgeous as the morning sunshine reflects on her blonde hair again. Through the huge windows beautiful LA's morning sunrays come into the office and give an amazing view to everything, to her, too. Not like she wouldn't be beautiful anyways, in the dark, in the light, everywhere. Kendall thinks so at least. Of course he doesn't know how Elizabeth would look like anywhere but he can imagine it.

"Oh, I see. Well if it comforts you not you're the only one with weird night and morning here." She says swallowing the last sip of her water than putting the empty glass onto the table. Meanwhile she does that she is wondering why she feels forced to comfort Kendall, to comfort him with talking to him about herself. She never does that with any of her clients.

"Are you okay though?" Kendall asks and then takes a sip of his water as well.

She nods. "Yes. Just these times it's hard to start the day. You know I'm trying to distract myself and the more I'm trying the harder it gets and the less it works. I mean I'm continuously reminded of why I am actually trying to take my mind off."

"Same." Kendall bends his head. "The more I try the less I feel like it's useful. Plus I'm already scared of the time when I will be at home again, alone and will thinking again like that and will be just there where I was and where I don't want to be. So nothing seems to help. I'm hopeless. That's why I'm not sure that it's going to work with you and me."

"What?" Elizabeth reaches out and takes Kendall's hand. "Don't you think that God has sent us to one another's way to help each other? I feel like I'm hopeless, too. But I can say for sure that you are not. I see it in you Kendall. If I didn't see it I wouldn't be here begging you to try it. You have nothing to lose. Did you read the contract?"

Kendall is hardly able to focus on her words because her touch feels so amazing. So comforting, soft and familiar. The smell of her, the feel of her touch. Like he knew her.

"No. Sorry but I wasn't in the mood. Till your driver showed up I didn't even know if I wanted to come back. I kept changing my mind every five seconds. By the way where did you know where I live?"

She smiles and releases his hand. The touch is too intense and she is unable to concentrate if she has to hold him. "You left your number here, I had your name so I could make a little background check."

"Oh." Kendall forms the little sound as a sign that he is surprised "Did you find anything interesting?"

"No. I mean nothing that could be a problem between you and I." she says. "Why don't you believe that you can make it, that I want to make it with you?"

"Why don't you believe that you're beautiful?" Kendall snaps.

She turns away; Kendall knows he has gone too far. "Do you want to try it or not?" she ask going round her desk and sitting into her chair.

"I do want but if you want me to talk about the things going around in my head I would like you to do the same."

"I know how it works Kendall, and I try to make you talk because I know you are going to need it. As I said yesterday, being in this world is going to come with a lot that you have to deal with and it won't be easy. You need to talk about them before you go insane. As for me it's not your business. I'm just trying to comfort you and assure you that you're in good hands here. And I honestly don't know why I'm doing this. I usually leave it all on my employees. I have people doing this for my clients. But with you it's different." Elizabeth stares at the desk and doesn't dare look up at Kendall. "I mean, I feel like I want to know what your problem is. I just can't bear seeing you with this expression; I want to know the reasons. I always want to know reasons." She sighs.

Kendall is blinking rapidly. _What is she trying to say? _"I won't say that I wouldn't mind talking to someone about my issues but I don't think it would be you the perfect person. Since you are my boss and well that would be just weird and you don't have time for this. I think." Kendall says leaning toward the desk and placing his glass next to the one that was in Elizabeth's hands.

The she looks up again. "Yeah, you're right. So I have an offer. I have a very good friend who would be just the perfect for you to talk to. He isn't the person I usually send people to with stuff like this because I don't want my personal life accidently mixing with my job. But with you.. well you know I said it's something else. I want you to be in the best hands, I want you to get the best of everything. I want you to see that you deserve to be here and I want you to realize that you can make it. I can see it in you, Kendall." his name again.

When she says his name it feels so amazing for Kendall. And it feels good for Elizabeth, too, to say it. It's even better when they lock eyes, like now.

"Of course I don't know a lot about you yet, but I can see some things. I see things that I have been through myself so I can recognize it in others as well. I see that you want to give up, I'm scared you would do it if you won't get real help. I want you to know that you're not going to be alone here, never, as long as I am here. Understand?"

_Jesus. Why is she saying all these things to me? What does she see in me that makes her think all of that about me? And how can she have such belief in me when she doesn't even know me? She really sees it? Sees that I have something in mind? Yes she does. Just now she said it. She has been thinking it as well. What was that? _

"I don't need your pity. If you want to work with me because you see how miserable I am…" Kendall begins not even knowing why he is saying these words.

Elizabeth cuts his word, "Kendall." She pauses giving Kendall the time to enjoy the sound of his name coming out of her mouth again. "It's not about pity. It's about the talent that I can see in you. And those many things that keep you scared. I just want to help because I know what it's like to be left alone, having no one to hold onto. When you have someone you shouldn't push the helping hand away."

Kendall stays quiet. What he should say now? This woman knows something. She has been through something that formed her attitude the way it is. _And she really wants to help. _The voice says in his head. _Besides you know you would need the help. You left your home, the people who helped you. You cannot be alone, Kendall. You mustn't lose it. Then why have you been working so hard if you give up here?_

True. Kendall knows that he needs help. But on the other hand he keeps wondering what Elizabeth knows.

"How do you know all of these things? How can you see into me?"

Elizabeth shrugs. "I've been thinking it. I know your expression. I was the same, Kendall. I can see it in your eyes. The thing I have seen in my own ones every morning for a really long period. Then this guy who I want to help you, came and helped me. He was the helping hand for me and even if I challenged for a little while I recognized that I need to accept it. Now please, after all of this challenging, accept it."

So Kendall was right the day before. Kendall can see that Elizabeth winces when she talks about her past. He noticed it the day before when she talked about her dad and now again. He knew he was right when he assumed she has something to hide. Something that she could get past, it seems like it at least. She is a strong, confident woman owning the entire world and it's all because she accepted the help. She didn't do it alone. Whatever it was that chased her, she could get past it and was the queen of her own world now. Just because she accepted help and wasn't that hardheaded to make it through alone.

_Not like you._

_Oh no._

The voice, that one which makes Kendall feel even more miserable every time he hears is, is back.

_Not now please. When I'm trying to make a decision._

_You can't get rid of me. I'm you. You're me. You know it's true. You wanted to be alone. You choose it. You choose but you will always be only you. The little fucker who isn't worth a piece of shit. With help or without help you will be always you. It will be there in you always. It's in her, too. She just has learnt to hide it perfectly. She hides it behind her success and money. But it's there. The past is always there. You can't delete it. _

_No. I live for the future._

Kendall doesn't exactly understand what leads him but he is going with positivity and thinks about his father's words. He really tries to fight.

_Even if it's there in her, she can live with it, whatever it is that she has got to deal with, she can make it. She owns the world, she has built it up and she is the queen of it. She is strong and everything that I am not but may I can make it if I accept the help. I can make it as well. Come on, just say it._

"Okay." His voice is so quiet that Elizabeth can only hear it because she is listening really hard.

A smile shows up on her beautiful face. _It's already worth it for that smile. I can make her happy with doing what she wants? _

"Great." She says snapping Kendall out of staring her. "He is my…" Elizabeth is forced to stop in the middle of the sentence because her door slams open and a guy storms in.

"Oh well, he is that friend." Elizabeth smirks and stands up. Kendall watches as they hurriedly meet in a warm hug. He can hear the man whispering something but doesn't understand.

"Are you okay?"

Elizabeth nods and pulls away. "Carlos, this is Kendall. Kendall this is Carlos Garcia my best friend and real good therapist who can help you with your issues if you feel up to it."

Kendall rises from his seat and holds out a hand. "Hello." He says. He is surprised that Elizabeth introduced him as 'Kendall.'

"Oh Kendall, nice to meet you. Please forgive me for a moment but I have got to steal Elizabeth." Carlos says and gently taking her hand they make it to another room which opens from her office.

As Kendall is waiting for them to come back he hears chatting from outside through the opened door. Ana's voice is that he recognizes and another man's voice that he cannot place to anywhere.

He steals a peek and spots a very attractive young man standing in front of the assistant's desk. He tells her some joke, Kendall guesses. She stands up and steps up to the young brunette. She lays her palms on his chest and says, "I'm glad you are here again. You think we could try something now that you are not working here?"

Surprisingly the brunette pushes her gently away, "sorry Ana. Told you that I'm not into that thing." He says and steps backward then turns his head toward Kendall.

His lays eyes on him for a few long seconds. _God. This guy is checking me out? _Ana sighs and sits back to her place, the phone rings and she has to pick it up. "Sorry." The man mouths to her once again. She nods and smiles sweetly but then turns her attention at the person she is talking to.

"Hi." The young brunette comes up to Kendall. "James Diamond." He introduces himself holding a hand out.

Kendall forces a smile to his face, "Kendall Knight."

"Where are Carlos and Elizabeth?" he asks peeking into the office over Kendall's shoulder.

Kendall turns and looks around, "well," he laughs, "they have disappeared and haven't turned back yet. You know them?"

"Oh yes. I know them and I'd like to know you as well." James sends a gorgeous smile to Kendall showing off his perfect teeth.

"Oh well." Kendall smiles awkwardly and blushing because James gets dangerously close to him no matter that Kendall is trying to get backward James is coming right after him keeping the closeness. "What—what do you want to know?"

Kendall embarrassed stands against the front of Elizabeth's desk; James is right in front of him with eager eyes. "Don't be so scared. I'm just curious about you. Never seen you here."

"Oh you know I'm new. I'm just now starting if I can deal with Elizabeth."

"Oh that won't be easy. Though I haven't worked for her, I know it's hard with her but she is a great pro, she knows what she is doing, trust her. Trust me."

"Okay, thanks." Kendall says scratching the back of his neck.

"So you're new." James lowers into the seat that Kendall used before. "Do you like guys Kendall?"

"Oh my God, James." Carlos rushes in half capturing the sentence. "Kendall, please forgive him. He sees a good looking guy and wants to fuck him immediately."

"I don't do such thing." James laughs and stands up. Elizabeth goes to him and they exchange a warm hug, the same as Kendall has seen with Carlos. _They are apparently close to one another._

"It's okay." Kendall waves once he is over his natural embarrassment. "Actually it's really flattering that such an attractive guy like him finds me good looking."

"Oh boy, so you don't, do you? I mean don't like guys?" James tries again and Carlos punches him in the arm. James caresses the place where he got hit but smiles along at Kendall.

"No, sorry." Kendall answers and turns to Elizabeth who's standing next to James on the other side. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes. We just had something to fix." She answers. Carlos nods agreeing.

Kendall blinks, "okay." _There has got to be more but it's okay. What else I can do? She's curious about my issues but she won't talk about her to me._

"Well, Kendall. I hear you would need someone to talk to. I can give you a few hours of my time if you feel up to it."

Before Kendall could say a thing, Elizabeth interrupts, "it's not a question of choice. He is going to talk to you and here the story ends." She declares.

Kendall looks around the room, first glancing at Carlos then at James he can see both guys nodding. "It's better if you don't argue." James adds. "Once I tried to skip a night when we three planned to take a dinner together, I had a job to do, but Elizabeth looked at me like this and she said I can't come here anymore to flirt with all of her employees if I dare skip a night with her. Better to oblige."

The blonde raises an eyebrow. "I got it. Okay."

"Good." Carlos says and fishes in his pocket. Taking out his wallet he soon hands a card to Kendall. "My number. We will fix an appointment later, okay? Now I can't take it out of mind, I have a lot of patients but I'm sure I can squeeze you in."

"You better squeeze him in, Garcia." Elizabeth snaps at him and both James and Carlos start to laugh.

"I will. Don't worry baby." Carlos says.

"Where do you all know each other?" Kendall asks out of curiousity.

"It's such a long story." James laughs.

Elizabeth turns to James, knowing him is enough to suppose once he starts to tell a story he wouldn't stop it for God's sake. "A long story and now we don't have time for that."

James pokes his tongue out at Elizabeth. She only grins responding.

Kendall feels a little left out but also he is amazed by this great friendship that he can see in the three of James, Carlos and Elizabeth. He quietly chuckles and pushes the card with Carlos' number on it into his pocket.

"Will you be okay then?" Carlos asks sounding more serious than before.

Elizabeth nods. Their eyes locked, they probably continue an entire conversation with each other with their eyes. Carlos sighs and offers his arms for a hug. "I gotta get back to my office then and James … well he sure has something to do as well. We leave you alone now. Call me if something happens."

"Okay." She steps forward and meets Carlos in a tight embrace.

Kendall watches them and loves the sight. Elizabeth seems like a real young, beautiful woman enjoying the company of her friends. This is how she should be looking all the time. Not the queen of the world type who needs to worry about everyone and everything. Just a simple girl having fun with friends.

After she exchanges a hug with James, too, both guys say good bye to Kendall with a handshake and a wave with warm smiles on their faces and they soon back out of the room.

Elizabeth stands and when the door closes she turns back to Kendall smiling, "let's get into work then."

Just as she says the words the door opens again. It's Carlos peeking in, "oh and Kendall, please take care of her. Good bye guys." With that he is gone again.

_Me? Take care of her? How? _

"What did he mean?" Kendall asks Elizabeth.

"Nothing. He's like a brother for me and likes the thought of someone being always around me. Someone who he assumes I can trust and so can he."

"I see. How do you know that you can trust me?" Kendall shots the question when she is in moving again toward her desk and picks up the phone.

She shrugs. "I don't know but you make me feel comfortable. Around guys I always have this feeling that I have to be scared of their intentions. You're something different. So much different. I have never talked to anyone about my dad, or about my past but you.. and Carlos but that is again something different."

"You didn't say much." Kendall says quietly.

Elizabeth sighs. "I already said too much. Now you know that I'm nothing like I seem to be. I was weak and sometimes I still am. Like this morning. When you came in with that look on your face I was scared to hell. I was sure I had the same expression. I'm friends with Carlos but he also is the pro who helps me. I don't like to admit it, I never do this, it's you making me feel like I have to tell all these things to comfort you, but I need help, too. And this morning I tried to push the help away, tried to help myself but Carlos being as awesome as he is, came here and checked if I was really okay. He is going to do it for you, too, anytime. You can trust him with everything you have. He won't tell me anything about your issues but his job is to make you feel all right. I need you to be all right so we can work together."

"What is it?" Elizabeth asks when Kendall is still quiet after long minutes.

Kendall only shrugs. "I can't imagine what the thing that you have gone through was. But I can see that it wasn't easy for you. But still you could make it through. I wish I would be that strong but every time I decide to be strong I just loose it. It's so hard."

"Carlos is going to help you. I promise."

Kendall remains silent. "What is it again?"

"Nothing, really." Kendall says.

"Come on." She encourages him.

"You won't answer anyway."

"Try me." She says. "With you I never know what comes in the next moment."

Kendall looks down at the white floor then turns his eyes back at her, "this is it. I don't want you to feel forced to talk. It's not my business anyway."

"You want to know what makes me feel how I said I felt in the morning. What was the thing I have been through? I know. I would love to know your reasons as well but you won't tell me either, I don't even expect you to do this. I know from experience that it's hard to talk. You and I are going to get well on, you know why?" She asks not even waiting for answer before continuing, "you'll be around to remind me that I have to go further and I'll be around for you to help you to see that it's always worth it to fight and try. We'll help each other."

_I like you so much. _Kendall wonders listening to her words. She is just the right person Kendall always wanted to find. She understands him, she is willing to help without being asked to do so. It's because she has been through something as Kendall, but still it really feels good for Kendall. His heart warms up only by looking at her, listening to her voice, her so caring voice, seeing her smile, and having her opening up…well trying to open up. But it's understandable for Kendall. He wouldn't talk about his past for all the money in the world either.

_Someday we might share our sorrows._

_You really want that?_

_No. Not again please. _Kendall begs to his inside, he wants to keep still, he doesn't want another mood swing coming and ruining this moment. He doesn't want to be depressed, he wants to believe, he wants to make it.

He successfully pushes the voice out of his head with simply ignoring and not answering the 'question' that was addressed to him a second ago.

Rather than letting the voice bug him, he keeps admiring Elizabeth. _Elizabeth. Why do even her friends call her Elizabeth? Not Lizy? I would call her that. That sounds so amazing._

Elizabeth wants to help Kendall. She remembers too well of the times when everyone around her wanted to help but no one could, they had never had true intentions, they wanted to use her to get the company. But then Carlos came, he has saved her, has become a friend to her, a brother, and now Elizabeth wants to guide Kendall. Even if she cannot be the person who Carlos is for her, she can be something, a good precedent for Kendall to follow. Even if after today and yesterday and the accidently coming up attacks which she is dealing with, she can be the hope for Kendall, she knows that. She knows how much it would have meant for her if there would have been someone for her to look up when she was down. As she is thinking about it more she thinks it's even an advantage as well. She isn't healed fully yet and they could help each other perfectly.

There is just so much to bear.

But she can make it.

She can make it again.

And she is going to help to Kendall, too.

The past is the past.

It never comes back if you don't let it.

She doesn't want to be ill again. She doesn't want more therapy. She just wants calmness and to find herself, to find someone who she can love and trust. Though she doesn't know how she is going to get there but the thought of the fact that she already desires it gives her hope. That reminds her of Carlos' words. _You already know that you are going to need more to be happy, you desire love, company and you deserve it. The time when you realize this need, is going to be the start of something new and hard but something amazing. Just accept it and let it happen._

He said those words today a few minutes ago in the other room when she told him that she is scared of enjoying Kendall's company, that she assumes that the cause of her dream was Kendall. Not Kendall but all the feelings that came with him. Feelings that Elizabeth has never experienced, never even imagined experiencing them before she had met this blonde soon to be her newest star.

They look at each other in the eyes but then after a time when Kendall's gaze gets too intense, too understanding, too hopeless, Elizabeth bends her head and spots the phone in her hand. That reminds her that she wanted to make a call. A call to get started with Kendall's carrier, so then he would be smiling and enjoying life as a guy in his age should be. A call that would be the start of Elizabeth helping Kendall.

She presses the call button and waits for her assistant to show up on the line. Kendall keeps looking at her. She catches his eyes on her and glances at him questioningly.

"I admire you for getting here, for having all of this after whatever you have lived." Kendall says as an explanation for his staring even though Elizabeth has never asked him with words to explain.

She smiles, "and I admire you for trying to get somewhere whatever your issues are, to be brave enough for a start is always more than amazing to do. Just stick with me, okay? See where I am even if you don't know where I am coming from, see it and feel it and try to get here, too. Even if sometimes you notice I'm a human as you are and I get weak as well. I believe in you Kendall. Never forget that. Here in my company there is no judging for who you are. Here we are working on your future, to make you someone. All that matters here is the person you're going to be."

Elizabeth's words make Kendall smile. This woman has got so much hope and Kendall knows exactly where this is coming from. It's so obvious that someone cannot just be so hopeful if they haven't been through something hard and then they have healed.

Kendall wishes he only could help.

And Elizabeth looking at Kendall wishes for the same. All she wants right now is to help Kendall.

They both know they are going to work together amazingly.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: hello : ) apologies for the long wait and for this chapter's length.. this is almost a thousands words less than the last one and i am sorry for that but i couldn't make it any longer .. this way there is no any cliff hangers and such things that you my lovely readers don't like because you don't know when a new chapter would be updated.. **

**secondly: a huge thanks to everyone who reads this fiction.. i am sorry that some of you stopped reading, i am sorry I cannot please your expectations.. well .. i don't really care.. to tell the truth i only care about those who stick with me and support me and i will be forever grateful for you all for that :) i still love this fiction, this is the best idea i think i have ever had so.. yeah.. that's simple..**

**third: this chapter is not beta-d .. i am lazy to send it and i don't want to drag it anymore.. so here it is.. apologies for any mistake you may find.. i am not perfect. nobody is.. perfect is boring.. lol**

**fourth: i have no idea when i will be able to do more.. i will be trying to update all the other stories as well.. i have got a bunch lol so watch out.. and keep the fic on alert.. **

**fifth: because i still have something to say.. i warned everyone in the very beginning .. there is something that is going to turn out in this fic and some of you may not like it.. in this chapter but mostly in the next it willl all make sense but some of you already can guess what this things is.. **

**sixth: enjoy and give me review :) make my day :) **

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**- Chapter 4 –**

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"No!" Kendall's voice is clearly hearable for Elizabeth. He is arguing with someone again. It's been only two hours ago when she's let him alone with Gustavo, the famous producer and star-maker, and there's been several times when both Kendall and Gustavo ended up in Elizabeth's office debating about something.

"Give me a moment" Elizabeth puts the phone aside though she is in the middle of an important negotiation; she knows she needs to fix the dissidence between Gustavo and Kendall, again. She has known that it won't be easy to work with Kendall but it is a little bit much already. Two hours and work just not gets any further.

While Elizabeth sighs and shakes her head the two continues their loud conversation stepping into the room. Elizabeth doesn't know what it's all about this time.

She clears her throat and then surprisingly Gustavo and Kendall go quiet and look at her.

"What's wrong this time?" she asks calmly still.

"I really want just a little change." Gustavo says pointing at Kendall.

Kendall lifts his hands and turns his palms toward the ceiling and with a wondering tone of his voice he asks, "Why do I need to accept any kind of changes?"

"Because I am the pro and I know what looks we can sell you with and you signed the contract." Gustavo's higher tone shakes the room. Kendall groans remembering at the contract.

"Again the looks?" Elizabeth stands up from her seat and walks around her desk. "We once discussed that he is fine this way. He doesn't want to change and I understand that."

"Thank you." Kendall says grinning in satisfaction but his grin freezes off when Elizabeth continues. "But Kendall, I told you that you have to start accepting compromise does exist."

"What?" Kendall frowns and Gustavo laughs. "See kid?"

"No, stop it, both of you." Elizabeth's voice rises before another argument would get started.

"About ten minutes ago I told you Gustavo. Some little changes can be acceptable but drastically changing his looks is unnecessary. He has got a good look anyway, his hair that you wanted to cut in the first moment, can be his brand. It makes him a little boyish and still with his music it perfectly harmonizes with the picture that we want to convey. It's mature enough and yet thousands of teen girls can go crazy for him."

"Hah" Kendall again pokes his tongue out at Gustavo.

"But you said something about compromises." Gustavo says to remind Kendall that it is not over yet just like that.

"Yeah." Elizabeth continues to Kendall. "Look, Kendall. I know you want to be yourself and I understand it. Though we give some new, fashionable clothes and teach you how to speak or walk or even sit, you won't be someone else."

"My hair stays. I accept the clothes and such things but NOT my music. Nobody can change that."

Elizabeth frowning turns to Gustavo. "It wasn't even about the looks this time, huh? You just wanted to avoid the real topic. Told you that whatever Kendall wants with his music that's final."

"They wouldn't be big changes." Gustavo begins. "I heard him playing. It was great. The lyrics are good and so is the music that he puts under it, but I'd add some things here and there and would get rid of some not really good things at other places."

Elizabeth looks questioningly at Kendall who sighs and shrugs, "we can work it out."

"Good." Elizabeth smiles and swings both men toward the door with some waving motions of her hands. "Now, someone needs to work here." She giggles. Gustavo quickly rushes out of the room half loudly talking to himself under his nose that this Kendall boy does not know a thing and such. But Kendall stays at the door and smiles back at Elizabeth murmuring a quiet "thank you."

"Takes nothing." She replies still smiling widely. "Told you that I'll do anything to get you there where you deserve to be. Just really, learn to compromise, okay? This world does not work without it."

"Okay." Kendall answers sighing and taking a look at this gorgeous, successful and confident young lady in front of himself, for who knows how many times he has done it today, but he is still amazed.

"You're staring." Elizabeth snaps him out and he shakes his head.

"I'm sorry. It's just.. you're so amazing.. it's hard for me to stand here and not pull you in for a hug."

Elizabeth raises an eyebrow at him. "Why would you do it?"

"You…uh.." Kendall mumbles kind of uncertain how to express it. He doesn't know it himself why, but he just feels the urge to hug Elizabeth. "You know you looked so … so young and so yourself when your friends were here. I wish you were like that more. Not like I don't like the way you are standing here now smiling at me." He quickly adds. "But it's different. Here, among all these people, carrying this huge weight all alone, you must pick up a different attitude and it's something that amazes me all the time I see it. Because it must be hard to be so sure and have all of this confident that you do have. I wish I had it myself. And on the other hand, I'm kind of jealous that you can be like this in your work and you have your friends who you can let yourself free a bit with. I don't have any of those."

"Oh Kendall." Elizabeth feels her heart melting by the blonde boy's words. "You know such less but whatever. You know what I think right now?" She asks taking a step closer to Kendall and grabbing his left wrist softly. Kendall eyes her moves and gives the "I have no idea" look. Elizabeth's eyes deeply penetrate Kendall's as she lifts her other hand and caresses Kendall's pale skin, and he waits for her to say something, to finish her speech.

After an easy blow of an air Elizabeth goes along. "You want to hug me because you need a hug yourself." And before Kendall could react she snuggles up against his chest deeply sniffing in his scent and loving it with everything she has got. Kendall slowly moves and his arms wrap around her, just as Elizabeth's around Kendall's waist.

_The fact that she noticed just proves my right. She's been through it, too._

The office door is open; therefore there is a clear sight of the hugging Kendall and Elizabeth for everyone that is on the corridor. But actually nobody looks there. If they did they'd know to ignore the scene because Elizabeth's rigidness can defy even her dad's if it comes to her private life. She does not allow gossips going round in her office, she always make sure of working with only people who respect her much that whatever they may see that is not for their eyes if otherwise not said.

But Kendall doesn't know about it and in the fear of someone seeing them he pulls apart sooner than it'd be enough of hugging Elizabeth. "People can get this wrong." He says before the young woman would be able to open her mouth.

"Not here. I only work with people I trust and know well enough to do anything in front of them." She says tucking her blonde hair behind her ears and checking the time on her watch on her left wrist. She's never messed up her schedule so much in her life like she's doing it since she's known Kendall. But this is the first time that she doesn't care about the delays. The clients can wait for now.

"Anything?" Kendall asks giggling and raising his eyebrows.

Elizabeth laughs, "no, not anything but a lot of things. Did it feel any good, Kendall?"

Kendall shivers by the sound of his name from her mouth. This happens every time when there is that soft tone filled with caring. "Yeah, it did. Thank you. You know me so well already."

"I'm sure you are getting to know me as well. You're smart enough. And I feel that you have assumptions. But keep your curiousity low, okay?"

"Sure thing. You made it clear in the morning. I accept it. We'll help each other and that's all. Without knowing anything specific. Actually, that's a really good way of helping. No judge and no bad intentions, just the helping hand."

"Exactly." Elizabeth breathes relieved that she doesn't have to talk about personal things again. Kendall understands it, because he's going through it, too. And it helps her a lot. Helps her thinking about the thing that Carlos always says, that she's not alone with her problems, there are other people out there, too, and if Fate gets them into each other's way, they can grow a lot together.

"Well, I think I should be … " Kendall wants to say good bye for now when he hears Gustavo yelling from someone after him. Elizabeth laughs and so does Kendall. "Is he going to be like this always?"

Elizabeth nods and bends her head but then looks back at him, "see you later, Kendall." And she steps backward.

"Later, Elizabeth, Miss…uh.." Kendall mumbles messing in his hair and shoving one hand into his pocket as he turns round.

"Oh Kendall?" Elizabeth calls after him and he turns back with a wide smile.

"Yeah?"

"Tonight.. I know it's Tuesday but I have kind of neglected my friendship with Carlos and James and I thought we could go out for a drink and I'd be delighted to have you there as well."

"Sounds like a plan. I'm glad to go. May I bring a friend myself?" Kendall asks thinking instantly about Logan, and that they would need some catch up, too plus they could get some friends in Carlos and James.

"Of course." Elizabeth nods. "I'll send someone for you."

"Oh no, that's not necessary." Kendall challenges.

Elizabeth holds up a hand, "don't argue with me Mr. Knight. I said I will send a car for you and your friend so I will do that way. Around ten would be okay? You can get home from here and change and whatever you'd like to by that time?"

"Yes, sure. Thank you Miss." Kendall smiles in embarrassment of being under the control of this gorgeous young lady.

"Good. Go then now. See you soon. And don't forget about the compromises. I must do some work before this place gets out of control."

"I'll be trying. Bye Elizabeth." And with that Kendall is going, taking the steps fast and he is disappeared from Elizabeth in a short minute.

By the end of the day Kendall is tired and worn out but also he's excited to see Elizabeth with her friends again. The thought of her like that makes him giggle. _She was very cute with them._

As he is walking upstairs to her office in the hope of finding her there still many nice girls pass him by winking and turning after him but Kendall just shakes his head and goes along. He misses the girls around but on the other hand he already knows that now he's got other things to focus on. He's got this thing to turn his mind off and he doesn't want to cause himself unnecessary problems with sleeping around with unknown girls that can make his life harder later when he'll be famous. If he can get there.

So despite of the tickling feeling down there every time a girl winks at him, he just ignores it or better he thinks about Elizabeth. With her Kendall wants to be something else. Something sweet and something that they wouldn't have with anyone else. Because they have so much in common. So much to hide and to be afraid of, even though they don't know about the other one's issues, they both can feel it and they both know that they would be wonderful together.

And Kendall wonders how that happens that he has made the day without the voices coming up and causing him a headache. _Probably because it was too busy of a day and I have not really had time to think. Which means.. now that I … no.. keep calm Kendall…_

His breathing is getting heavier but he is trying to push the thought back. He must learn to forget the voices so they might never come back again.

But what if he keeps thinking about them because without them he is lonely?

_No._

_You can make it._

There is nothing.

_How? Again how? Like in the morning. They are going to be back at the worse time. Not now when I might be able to handle them. But fuck no.. if they came now I wouldn't be able to handle them either.. look what you're doing, this is insane… _

He is taking the stairs too slow. Something slows him down. Something pulls him back.

_It's about to start._

And there it is. _Are you scared of going up there? Why are you scared now when you made the first day?_

_I'm not scared._

_Oh you are._

_No!_

Silence.

He stops at the level where there is a little resting area halfway between the two floors.

_Why do I keep thinking about it? It just brings them back. If I just could not think about them instantly when I have nothing else to do….if I only could…_

_You can't make that. You'd miss it… you like suffering Kendall. You're doing it to yourself. You have always done it. You never asked for help, you always wanted to go through it alone and look where you are? Nowhere. You couldn't reach a thing alone. You're weak. What would your dad say now, Kendall?_

That gets him.

He's nearly crying as he is thinking about all the past years. He could have asked help. He asked some kind of weird ways but he got help and he was fine.. nearly fine… _but never fully over it._

_Dad. I'm weak. I'm sorry. I really am. The fact that I wanted to kill myself several times. That I wanted to get out of life … just proves that I'm weak.. that I cannot make a thing alone… that's why these voices are here… so this way I'm not alone.. even though they are driving me crazy.. I'm not alone … and I don't have to do this alone …_

Again silence.

The voice came and again has made Kendall see the truth.

Kendall just somehow keeps forgetting that the voices are not real in fact. That it's him talking to himself inside of his mind, so after all he's doing it all alone. He helps himself as he has always done. Now he cannot seem to recognize this fact.

This is what he is so scared of. These attacks can get him any time of the day and he breaks down and cannot go along normally till something snaps him out.

"Kendall, are you okay?" a soft voice calls him and Kendall looks up. He did not even notice that he was staring at the ground.

"Ana, hi." Kendall fakes a smile.

"Are you feeling okay? What are you doing here? Why didn't you use the elevators?"

"Oh I … I was only a floor lower… uh Gustavo has gone and I wanted to check if Elizabeth.. uh Miss Scott is still here, you know.. and thought a little walk won't do anything bad." He explains quite confused. His head aches and feels like a mess … like someone mixed up everything there… he hates that he cannot control these attacks.. they are totally random and they come too often again… but why? Why now when everything is so good? This is the question coming up all the time when Kendall is at his mind again. These attacks are too intense and they are for nothing more but destroy him with whatever kind of manner.

_The sexy model girls passing by…._

He knows it was the reason .. and that he couldn't stop himself from missing the voices. The girls reminded him of the life earlier and that was everything but not right even though he didn't want to do anything bad. He knows the voice asked him if he was scared of going up to Elizabeth because of what he'd have done to her if it was his earlier self. He'd have seduced her and got her into his bed enjoying the relief that he can make a girl happy despite of everything.

_I am indeed scared of going there. I am scared of loosing it and doing something that I would regret later. I cannot do it to her. She is here to help but not that way. She's been sent to my way to help me in a different way. I mustn't screw it up. I must grab the chance and I must trust myself. I can do it. Just think about the things you see in her, Kendall. She's so different. She makes you feel a way that no one else can. She pleases you and she assures you of her trust in you in a totally new way._

"Kendall?" Elizabeth asks and Kendall again looks up surprised. He searches for Ana. She is standing behind Elizabeth.

"You seemed out of the world Kendall, and you said you were heading to Miss Scott, so here she is. Excuse me now."

"Thank you Ana." Elizabeth lets her go and she turns back to Kendall who did not notice that he was lost in thoughts for so long that he made Ana worried.

"I must go for a negotiation at one of my other companies but I'm still here so you can tell, what's wrong?"

Kendall stares at her for a moment and does not say a word. _Don't be scared._

"Just wanted to be sure then tonight?" He asks finally.

Elizabeth's mirrors the clear relief. Kendall can sense that she was truly worried for him. It feels so amazing for him to know. "Of course. Just get yourself and your friend ready in a few hours. I quickly make this thing over there and then I'll be gathering the guys, too."

"Okay." Kendall answers looking at the beautiful young woman and feeling a bit of shy as she is holding his arm with her soft hand. Kendall cannot help but wonders what her skin would be like against his own while they are …. _No. Stop it. Stop having these thoughts. She trusts you already, you don't have to prove anything._

"I must go now, to get my friend and … you know.. see you later, Elizabeth." Kendall with a weak smile breaks out of Elizabeth's grip and waits for a few seconds in the hope of a reply.

"Sure thing. I gotta go, too. See you." She sends a mind-blowing smile of hers to Kendall and makes her way down the stairs. Just when she gets like two steps away her phone is already ringing and she is back at her world.

And Kendall is there alone in his own, again.

He sighs and shuts his mind off. He doesn't want to think of anything but this wonderful day he had filled with music and many other things that will lead him to the place where he wants to be. _It was really good. I only wish it could be easy like this every day._

_But it won't be. _The voice wakes up again in his head. Kendall shakes it off with a shrug of his shoulders and goes in the footsteps of Elizabeth down on the stairs.

_Just ignore it. You can make it. Everyone has got fears, don't think that you are alone. Just don't let it get you. Just think about your goals, Kendall. _He is thinking this way and his luck that he is successful. He can push the bad thoughts and doubts back and fate helps him again with another push when his phone rings in his pocket.

_Logan._ Kendall looks at the screen.

"Hi." He greets his friend with one word but that one is more than enough for Logan to find out that his friend is tired and kind of upset.

"Hello Mr. Soon-to-be-famous, what's wrong?"

"Ha." Logan causes a tiny smile to Kendall. "I am just tired. This day was very crowded and loud. Man, this producer I must work with is so fucking loud. He is shouting at me all the time without any reason, damn."

"Elizabeth?" Logan wonders.

"Oh, no." Kendall laughs again. "This guy, Gustavo that Elizabeth has got me to work with me on my music."

"Ah, I see." Logan laughs as well. "Just stay strong, man. I know you don't like compromises but … "

"I really don't know why everyone thinks that I'm not the compromising type. Yes I am that type. I just need a good compromise that I can live with, damn."

"Hey-hey. Calm down."

"Okay, sorry. I am just really stressed and have a lot in mind. I should get home and play songs all night but I cannot now."

"You were playing all day and it's still not enough? And why can you not?" Logan asks curious.

Kendall sighs, "music is never enough, Logan, and I wasn't playing all day because majority of the day went by with building up an outlook image for me, there was just a little music."

"Okay, I see your point then. So why don't you just go home and rest?"

"Because I promised to Elizabeth that I would go out with her and her friends tonight for a drink." Kendall says and makes his way down on the street but a familiar man cuts his way and motions to a car parking next to the sidewalk. "John?"

"What?" Logan asks hearing Kendall saying a name he doesn't know.

"Give me a moment, Logan." Kendall puts his phone away from his ear and reaches out to shake hands with the driver that obviously Elizabeth has ordered to wait here for him. "Hello, John. How are you doing?"

"I'm great, Mr. Knight. Yourself?" the driver asks ever so polite.

"Likewise, Sir. Elizabeth has sent you for me again, right?"

"Yes, Sir. So may I give you a lift?" He motions toward the car again.

Kendall blows out a light sigh. "After all, I have to be quick tonight. Thank you, John." With that John moves to open the door for him and Kendall gets in.

As he takes the seat and John starts the car, Kendall returns to Logan on the phone. "I'm sorry, Logan. John is the driver that Elizabeth sends after me all the time to take me everywhere, so I'm on my way home now."

"Oh, do you even get a personal driver? Nah… where this world is going?" Logan jokes. They both laugh freely and then Logan continues. "Anyways, I was calling you because I have this night off and thought we could finally hang out together but if you … "

"No, wait, don't even finish that .." Kendall cuts Logan off. "I'm glad you say that because I wanted to ask you if you could come with me tonight."

"What? Why?"

"Well, you are my friend. We haven't met in ages and besides all of that I don't want to be alone with her."

"You won't be alone. Her friends are going to be there, too, aren't they?"

"Yeah, they are but still…you know … I am not really part of that company yet and what if I will be left out or such… ah you know.. they seemed really nice today…"

"You met them already?"

"Yes, this morning. One of them even tried to flirt with me." Kendall laughs and in the knowledge of Logan not seeing him even blushes thinking about the fact that a hot guy like James liked him that way.

"Oh."

"Oh?" Kendall murmurs. "It's all you can say, Logan?"

"I just….never mind…" Logan goes quiet.

"He is really nice anyways. And her other friend, Carlos, so is he. You'll like them, we can be even great friends if things work out well. Or you can be more…with James.. if you want…"

"What?" Logan's voice almost breaks Kendall's tympanum as he loudly asks.

"Dude, chill. I'm joking. But be prepared if you come he will flirt with you, too."

"Damn, Kendall. That does not help." Logan groans. "You know I cannot deal with people flirting with me.. I cannot flirt back."

"Then you will just go with it. Logan, grow up and accept it if someone tries to approach you. Nah, so are you coming then?"

A bit of silence comes but then Logan answers, "yeah. Where do I have to go?"

"I'll pick you up now." Kendall answers and asks John if it was a problem to go for his friend. Of course it is not a problem for him.

"I'll be there in ten minutes. Get ready."

"Okay, boss." Logan laughs. "See you in ten."

"Bye."

"This must be it." Kendall tells to John who parks the car in front of the huge apartment complex. Kendall thought it was his flat being too big for himself only but as he is standing outside and admires the building where Logan lives, he doubts it now. As Logan said earlier he is living here now alone and those apartments seem great already from the outside. _I wonder what it's like from inside._

Kendall wanders up to the entrance and searches Logan's name and the button he has got to push to make a call up to his friend's flat.

As he presses the button the answer is right there, "Kendall?" Logan asks.

"Oh yeah. Logan is it you? Really? Do you live here?"

"Haha yeah I do. I'll be down in a minute."

"Okay. Waiting for ya." Kendall releases the button and steps back out onto the sidewalk. Young girls and boys pass him by. Kendall assumes they are on their way home from school.

That reminds him of the times when he and Logan was going home like that. Best and inseparable friends as young freshmen in high-school, then sophomores and then in their last year together in the first month of their junior year. From then Kendall was alone. He had friends but they never meant that much as Logan did, as he does now, too, even though they have been in touch only through phone during the last week, and almost fully lost connection in the last couple of years.

Since Kendall's been in LA he says a huge prayer for Logan's closeness again. Only the knowledge, that he still has got his old friend, makes him happy in a way and keeps him going – wherever his way is leading him actually.

"Kendall?" Logan's voice comes from behind and Kendall turns to see his best friend's huge smile and opened arms. He does not hesitate at all and approaches him. They meet in a tight brotherly hug. "Damn, Logan. It's been far too long when someone hugged me like this." Kendall says quietly so only his friend can hear. He really has missed a really good friend's closeness and now that he can hold onto it literally, it feels so good, better than anything lately.

"So good to finally see you, too Kendall." Logan says and pats Kendall's back as they pull apart.

"Yeah. We have got so much to catch up on, but not now." Kendall rushes Logan to the car and quickly introduces him to John who's been waiting for the young men.

"We need to get back to my place so I can take a shower and change and might eat something and then we need to be at … where do we have to be, John?" Kendall asks the driver who grins at him.

"At a nice club not so far from your place, Mr. Knight."

"Ah, yeah. Of course Elizabeth's made sure of me not being late, huh?" The driver just quietly nods at Kendall's question and with that they all get into the car and John makes it to Kendall's apartment.

"So, Logan, how was your day?"

"Dude, it was insane. I have got so much to study and the hospital and oh just now found out ten minutes ago that my cousin Camille is going to visit me. Me, and not our aunt, she wants to stay at my place because it's bigger and more comfortable and such."

"Sounds like you are going to be busy in the next couple of weeks then. How long does she stay?"

"For a month I guess. At least she is planning to. If she gets a job or you know finds the love of her life she might stay here for ever…of course not in my apartment..at least I hope she does not."

"Oh Logan." Kendall sighs laughing. Logan raises eyebrows at him and Kendall only shakes his head. "You have not changed at all. Chill. Damn. How old is she?"

"22..why?"

"Well, she can come and hang out with us if she wants. It will be fun, don't stress over your own relatives even."

"I'm not stressing over it I just say it is not the right time at all. I am in my final year of the college and I cannot let myself get lazy or I never will be a doctor, damn it Kendall."

"Well. You are definitely stressing my friend and I won't let you to take it all out on that poor girl. So tonight we are going to have fun. Just the way we would have had if you would have been there with me in the last couple of years. We must catch up on so many things, dude."

Logan blows out a heavy breath and sits back in the seat, "enough about me. How was your day? Your life is just now turning to be something very exciting. I am really curious."

"It's been great. Really, there's not much to say just yet. I mean.. I hope I can make it. I'll do my best for sure." Kendall says and sadness is noticeable in his voice.

Logan puts his hand onto his shoulder, "what's wrong Kendall?"

Kendall sighs. "Every time I think about it… that whether I can make it or not, dad instantly comes to my mind, you know? He was always there these times to say "yes you can make it", and now he is not here. Now when I would need it the most to hear him. I think about him very much lately."

"Oh Kendall.. you know I feel you, right?" Logan pulls him in for another hug.

"I know." Kendall sniffs. "I'm sorry for bringing it up by the way. You lost them both and … ahh.. I suck.. I am sorry."

"No. Man, you only want to suck!" Logan jokes.

"Idiot." Kendall pulls apart and punches Logan in the arm trying not to look down at the front of his pants where he is feeling the tension growing already by the mention of sex. "To be sucked, might. You are the one who want to suck..you can come to me.." Kendall giggles and earns a punch from Logan.

"How long has it been Logan?" Kendall asks settling back to his seat.

Logan shrugs, "way too long ago, dude."

"Seeing anyone at the moment?"

"Mr. Knight." John's voice cuts their conversation. "Sorry for disturbing, we are here."

"Oh no problem John, thank you. Then I suppose I can count on you for the rest of the day, right?"

"Yes, Sir." John nods and moves to get out of the car.

But Kendall places a hand onto his shoulder, "please stay. We can get out by our own power. Thank you, John. Let us know if we are taking it for too long."

The driver nods and with that Logan and Kendall gets out of the car.

"Must be a good feeling to have a personal driver." Logan says catching up on Kendall who's made it to the entrance already.

"Must be a good feeling to own millions in the age of 24." Kendall throws at Logan who stops for a second and shots a confused look.

"The place where you live shows it Logan. You never told me that your parents were that wealthy." Kendall explains.

"Oh, well. You'll know how it feels very soon, when you get famous. And I am not that rich. I have spent majority of the money on that flat plus on my studies and I have helped out my aunt as well, a lot of times. So yeah, I still have got some but not as much as you think I may do."

"Okay. I'm sorry if I'm a dick sometimes.. just really so much on my mind." Kendall sighs and opens the door. They make their way up to his apartment as Logan replies.

"No worries. I understand, you know. So where we have stopped?"

"Oh, I asked if you are seeing someone.." Kendall grins.

Logan shakes his head and lifts one hand to go through his hair with his long fingers. "Actually no. I haven't even looked at anyone like that in a very long while."

"Why is that Loges?" Kendall asks when they step in the door and the nice flat appears in front of them. Kendall immediately feels comfortable, which feels weird for him after the things happened in the morning. But on the other hand it's now different. He's scared of going out because he doesn't know how things would end up if he gets out at night. Then, in the morning, he wanted to get out because in the flat he was alone and his mind was flooded with dreams, memories and he could hardly bear with them.

But now, it's good to be there. He loves this flat and when he is calmed it's a great shelter from the world's dirt. It's clean and white.

"I don't know, dude. I don't want to get my heart broken or.. whatever. Nice place anyways." Logan answers while Kendall throws his belongings down and makes his way to the inside of the flat.

"Yeah thanks. I need to take a shower though."

"That's okay. Do you have any food?"

"Yeah, go to the kitchen and make yourself home. But wait. Why would you get your heart broken with getting a boy or a girl?"

"Why would you? You know I still find it weird that you don't have anyone."

"Fair point. Later I tell you. And we will continue this talk about you and your relationship issues. Not that I am a big pro of the topic but still.. "

"Okay, go and shower. I guess your boss doesn't want us to be late."

"Yeah, she indeed does not. I will be right back." With that Kendall goes to take his shower and Logan makes it to the kitchen.

While Kendall is in the shower Logan cannot help but wonders how good looking of a young man has Kendall become. But then he quickly rushes this thought away. No way that he would tell him that he kind of had an impossible crush on him when they were younger. That was past and it was only because they were teenagers and Logan just then started to discover his sexuality and found the boy, who had been spent the most time with, very attractive.

_And I still do._

Logan thinks chewing on some half heated spaghetti but he also knows that Kendall is not into that kind of thing so he won't ever mention this thing otherwise he'd cut every connection between them.

The reason of Logan being alone all these years is not some high-school crush he had on his best friend. It's just the thing of being scared from people who you let in and then they leave after they get bored or discover something in you that they don't like.

Logan has had experience with too many of those kinds of people. He has been trying to get to know new people, even date with some but somehow it never actually worked. Most of them have been girls but there have been a few guys as well. Logan is playing on both areas. By his own admission he couldn't change only one side because both genders' have their own specialties that they are worth to be loved for.

_But no, Kendall is forgotten._ He shakes his head again.

"Why are you shaking your head?" Kendall asks coming out of the shower and approaching Logan without a noticeable noise and smelling from a shower.

"Oh nothing. I was just wondering about what you said. That we are going to talk about things." The brunette replies.

Kendall frowns and takes a sip of orange juice he pulls out from the fridge. "So after all do you have someone in mind, now?"

"No." Logan shakes his head once again and puts the plate into the dishwasher.

"Had enough?" Kendall asks putting the juice back to the fridge.

Logan nods. "Thank you."

"Takes nothing. So?"

"What so Kendall?" Logan turns around and makes it out of the kitchen and explains, " I just cannot seem to find anyone that would understand me. You know I am complicated."

"Yeah I know." Kendall laughing says and goes after him checking his looks in the mirror on his way.

"So then does that mean you have been trying?"

"Yes, I have." Logan hops onto the sofa but cannot stay there because Kendall pulls him up immediately.

"We need to go, like right now." Kendall says when Logan frowns at him.

"Where did you find that out that we need to go just now?"

"I got a text message while I was dressing up." Kendall answers and blushes.

"Oh Elizabeth, huh?"

"Haha," Kendall laughs and heads toward the door. "Come on and yes. It was her."

Logan rushes after Kendall and asks, "and what did she exactly say?"

Kendall grinning steps out of the apartment and puts the key into the door while answering. "Just sent me the time I need to be exactly there."

"Bossy type she is. How are you going to deal with her?"

"I don't know Logan, I don't know." Kendall laughs. "Let's go."

They make it to the car and soon they are on their way talking mostly about their days and forgetting the relationship thing for now.

"Hey, Elizabeth!" Carlos shouts through the bar as he spots the young woman sitting alone at a table and sipping some drink.

She stands up and greets Carlos and James with a warm hug, then they all settle into their places waiting for Kendall and his friend that they don't know yet.

"How is everything going guys?" she asks taking another sip of her soda.

"Still no alcohol, Elizabeth?" James questions and earns a light poke from Carlos followed with a strong look of the eye. James immediately adds, "sorry, forget it." And he bends his head.

But Elizabeth just shakes his head and reaches across the table to take James'. "It's okay. You don't have to apologize. I don't drink still and it's good that way."

"So, everything's great. How did things go with Kendall?"

"Ah Carlos. He is so talented. I secretly heard him playing today again. I didn't tell anyone but I just needed to sneak out and take a peek to see how he was doing. And he was so amazing. I love how he is playing. I swear to everything that's saint Carlos that he can make me forget the world with his voice. I don't feel insecure, I just feel me and I feel young and I already love it that he is around, and that I can take some peeks like that in the future as well."

James and Carlos exchange a look. "Are you falling for him?" Carlos carefully asks.

Elizabeth blushes and looks down at the glass in her hands. "Not actually for him… I don't know..for his music for a start.. I guess."

"His music is him, you know that, right?"

"Carlos." Elizabeth sighs. "I know. I just don't want to accept it, not yet. It's too soon. I hardly know him yet."

"It's all good for a start, Elizabeth. I'm incredibly grateful for life for getting this guy into your life." Carlos says and Elizabeth shyly smiles. She feels like a teenager with her first love growing deep inside of her hurt heart, and for the first time in her life she does not want to cease away the warming feeling that a man cause. However now that she is thinking about it deeper she knows that before Kendall there was no man that could have grabbed her attention and interest the way Kendall has done. But anyways, whenever she felt happy, felt her hear filling up with warmth by any kind of little joy, she wanted to make that feeling stop. She felt like she didn't deserve it, to feel that.

But now, with Kendall it is different. Everything is so else with him.

"Hello everyone." Kendall snaps Elizabeth out of her thoughts and cuts James and Carlos' light conversation that they have gotten in to seeing that the young blonde Elizabeth has gotten deeply into her thoughts and they did not want to snap her out of the trail.

Elizabeth looks up smiling and stands to greet the newly arrived guests. "Hi." She holds out a hand and Kendall gorgeously smiling back at her nods not wanting to let Elizabeth's hand go anytime soon.

_This will be an interesting night. _This is Kendall's last thought before he turns away to pull Logan closer and introduce him.


End file.
